Ah. So THIS is Where My Blog Was!

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Sorry about the 2+ week hiatus from writing. I have a million things I need to talk about. One of them is a Public Service Announcement--everyone should take $20 and buy the Microtouch Trimmer off of that TV infomercial. It's as good as advertised. Incredible. I will talk about this further later. Full review. I also need to talk about The O.C. and the fact that Ryan's ex-girlfriend rates a full 10 out of 10 on my Oh F*ck Me Scale. Hot. Whoo. Good times. I need to talk about obnoxious Yankee fans and how they continue to plague America. I need to talk about how people, faced with factual information, cannot stand long whilst arguing with emotion and conjecture. That the phrase "That's incorrect" doesn't mean your opinion is wrong, it means that the data (or lack thereof) you are basing it on is. I need to talk about a lot of things. Some because they are important to me, some because they are important to you, most because they are important to no one.

But there is one thing I'd like to talk about tonight.

I recall a couple of years ago when my roommate got his picture taken for the school newspaper. Well, that's not accurate...there was a picture taken with him in the background. He was highly out of focus, but you could was him. He made a statement that was not meant to be taken deeply in any way, but it resonated with me and has stuck with me since.

"Hey, there I am. That's me. Fuzzy, in the background."

Fuzzy in the background. I can't tell you why it crawled into my head and stayed there. I thought it was interesting at the time, as I could relate it, barely, to a place or a situation here and there. It was always in the back of my mind. Fuzzy in the background. Until now, though, it never came through as an overall concept.

Life is not my biggest ally right at this moment. We're not getting along. Apparently it wants things for me that I would much rather do without. I feel as though I'm below deck, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. You're supposed to be at the Captain's Chair, sun or storm, plowing your way to...well, to wherever you want to go, really. I haven't had that luxury lately. Right now I'm supposed to be sailing my way towards California and my future. I have a job. I have a shot, a shot that most people don't even ever get close to smelling, let alone have it laid in their lap. I feel as though I have a purpose and that if I can just get over the hill, I'll be coming down a mountain for a long, long time.

But there are college loans--VAST college loans--to repay, sucking up about 1/3 or more of my finances. There is time. I'm not "old" but in Hollywood, they don't take you past but a pup. And there are those around me. My father has been sick for quite some time now. He's going to be OK, but he's miserable, and there are certain things he can't do without me. Until he gets fixed, how can I leave? Then, last week, there was Mom. Without warning, diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. The good news is that it was caught early. It hasn't spread. Doctors think she'll be fine after a little radiation and a few passes at chemotherapy. But in the back of mind I toy with the idea that it might come back. Who would take care of my brothers? Who would watch out? It's perhaps a bit pessimistic and defeatist, but isn't it better to be prepared? It don't I owe it in the first place?

Of course. So my life is on hold. It's that simple. Early in the week, selfishly, I thought about the recent turn of events in GeoffWorld. Allowed the bad attitude, the one that never seems to get a word in edgewise any other day, to bust through and take over. He told me that, if you looked at a picture of my life right now, you'd see a lot of sh*t, but you wouldn't see me in The Chair. Because the sh*t had taken over residence. The clear part of the picture would show it all over the cabin, drowning everything else out. And I'd just be Fuzzy In the Background, trying to pull myself to my feet.

But man, dammit, I'm blessed, and that's no way to look at things. Immediately I shut out Bad Attitude, stinging back that yeah, I'm in the Red, but I'm paying it all back, slowly but surely, and there's money in the bank yet. I let him know that I'm not even 25 yet. Some people aren't even out of college at my age. Some never went. I'm way ahead of the game. I made he sure he knew that whatever faint stress my parent's illnesses put on me, it was nothing compared to what they must be going through, and damnit if my helping out won't see them through. They're both going to be OK. And before I stepped on his head, I made sure one thing was damn clear: I've not come this close to be denied. I will make it. And Jesus Christ himself will hear the low bellow of my f*cking foghorn when I do.

I sound like Tony Robbins. Sorry. But, even though I missed the Big Picture at first, I carried through. Why? Because there is no g*ddamn Big Picture. Life is not a picture; pictures are permanent and ephemeral. If your life is out of focus, don't throw up your hands. Twist the f*cking lens until you can see yourself again. Then pick up and carry on. Get a head of steam, because when you move your view somewhere else, it's bound to get fuzzy again.

Motherf*cker life is good.

Lucky For You, As You Get to Watch Me F*cking Go Off

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I am pissed today. Not pissed at the world or in a bad mood, but pissed at how absurdly stupid people are. I am going to share it with you all and be somewhat uncharacteristic in my tone.

I have a few pet peeves:

1. Things females do. Pretty much all of them.
2. People putting words in my mouth.
3. People making awful, illogical arguments that eventually denigrate into namecalling and personal insults.
4. Sh*tty drivers.

And possibly most vehemently...

5. Christians trying to legislate their own "morality".

I'll make my little disclaimer now before I roll into this...Yes, I realize that not all Christians try to do so, but in lieu of typing "a certain number of Christians" every time, it's just going to be the de facto "Christians". So if you are not included in this group, don't assume I am attempting to include you, I'm just trying to save time and space. Got it? OK.

Two news stories that really Irked My Peeve (TM) this afternoon:

1. President Bush might propose a Constitutional Amendment vis a vis his atrocious Defense of Marriage Act, an official piece of legislation that is costing taxpayers $1.5 billion (not a typo) so the Federal Government can teach people that only the marriage of a man and a woman is healthy. <---------------I'm not even going to touch the asinine nature of the DOMA right now. Let's focus on the Constitutional Ammendment.

In fact, let's say it again: CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. In effect it would say that the only valid form of human union is between a man and a woman. When are Christians going to crawl out of their f*cking caves, realize we walk upright whilst thinking abstractly, and get a clue? I truly cannot believe that in the year 2004 people can still be this moronic. Can I put a few things out there?

--Research over the past 25 years, from studies published in such UnChristianly Nonsense Texts (TM) as The New England Journal of Medicine, indicates that homosexuality is not a "choice", but more a product of a deficiency or overabundance of a specific chemical in a specific area of the brain.

--Research over the past 40 years, from studies published in such UnChristianly Nonsense Texts (TM) as Nature, shows that an overwhelming percentage of animal species--up to 90%--exhibit homosexual characteristics. A sample of these species include felines, canines, reptiles, fish, waterfowl, equines, and amphibians. In amphibians some scientists estimate that as much as 25% of the species is homosexual in nature. In fact, amphibians even have the capacity, in certain biological crises, to physically and independently change their sex if the male/female balance is highly skewed. Sinners.

So there is practical evidence out there that in fact homosexuality is not a "poor choice", not a "sin", but rather a differently-wired function of nature. What of it then? Well, the Christian will insist that marriage and its sanctity are reserved only for a man and a woman because that is the only way to procreate, and the gift of procreation is one of the essentials of marriage. Wonderful! But consider...

--There are an estimated 5 million married couples in this country who cannot conceive due to the infertility of one party or both. How UnChristianly! Revoke their charters! Send in the troops! Go to the back of the class!

--Over 55% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Of them, 72% resulted in procreation, the product of which are now scarred for life by the sins of divorce. Scarred b*stard children.

--An estimated 60% of all marriages in the United States each year take place in nondenominational or secular ceremonies, at locations such as City Halls, beaches, and Vegas.

But do they give up? No! Christians must defend the "laws" of "God" that come from the "Bible". It is written in...a book! That has been passed down for...thousands...of years! That is iron-clad, considering the perfection of man and the fact that the validity of the average high school cafeteria rumor holds for exactly 7.2 seconds. Humans never embellish, never change anything, can never be evil, and have never tried to alter history to meet the needs of the powerful. Never.

On the heels of the announcement by Bush's publicist, two Pennsylvania Senators want to make it absolutely illegal for gays to marry in the state. Not only that, they want to also create a ban on Civil Unions and the recognization of Common Law unions.

Yeah, I've made this an issue before. In the election year, it's not the top issue, and not in the top five for most people. But why is it important? Because with so many other things to draw people's attention away from it, legislators can enact this kind of religious bullsh*t without much protest. It goes largely unnoticed and when people can get back to caring about it, laws are in place and they're damn hard to get rid of.

In an earlier post, I challenged someone, anyone, to give me a good, non-religious reason as to why gays should not be allowed to marry and afforded the same benefits as married couples. No one can come up with a good answer. The only answer is this, and I'm going to be blunt--these Christians are f*cking bigot assh*les. Plain and simple. Absolutely counterproductive human beings bent on forcing the "morality" of a fading ideology on a population as a whole. If you disagree with two men or two women marrying, fine, you have that right. If you hate it and detest it and find it vile, you have that right. What you do not have the right to do is tell people "This is what is good for you because my religion says so". The Constitution is supposed to protect people from idiots like you. For what possible reason could you care that two people make a private decision that has absolutely no impact on yourself or your antiquated theological doctrine? I'll tell you why. Because you are f*cking scum who just want to make sure that those who are so "beneath" you know one thing: that they are not equal, that they are not human, that they don't deserve to exist in society because your Mythical Fantasy of the Everloving Vapid Bible told you so.

Oh, and I'm not done. Peruse this article:

Woman In Court For Selling Sex Toys

In a nutshell, here's what's going on: the Bible Beaters in Texas have forced charges against a woman who had been holding discreet, customer-scheduled Sex Toy Shows in private homes. In these shows she displayed a line of sex toys, instructed the men and women in attendance on how to use them, and then sold them to some of the partygoers. Because Christians cannot stand to be in a town with someone of different values, two police officers posed as a husband and wife, went to one of the shows, and promptly had the woman arrested. What was her crime? Well, in the state of Texas (which we should just be calling 'Little China" at this point), it is illegal not only to explain how to use a sex toy correctly and safely, but it is illegal to sell them without a sticker on their package denoting "THIS PRODUCT IS BEING SOLD AS A NOVELTY OR CAKE DECORATION ONLY".

I'm really not kidding. This is the law. Also, heterosexual oral sex and sodomy are illegal in Little China, so all you facebanging studs who also f*ck b*tches in the sh*tter need to take the moral highground and turn yourselves in.

Now I understand that this is a law in Little China, and that ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it. However, someone find a way to tell me how this law is not Unconstitutional. Anyone. I beg of thee. Again, why the f*ck should you possibly care that someone might be having a private party in their home and that they might buy something that they will use only privately? It's has no f*cking effect on you. Don't you people get it?

Hey, look. I think America is the greatest place in the world to live. I wouldn't want to be from anywhere else. Even on our worst day our triumphs far outweigh our problems. But that's no excuse to let the problems go unnoticed. No matter how ridiculous I find Christianity to be, I freely admit that I could be 100% wrong about it. I feel strongly that anyone out there should have a right to practice it freely. It may be the answer to everything. I don't know. But neither do you, no matter how strong your faith is. You don't know. And therefore, while you have the right to practice it however you want for yourself, you have no right to impose it on others. Straightforward.

So we can we get all these f*cking d*uches on a boat and send them to Outer Bijian or something? They can all live there in peace, telling each other what they should do, scrutinizing and chastizing every life but their own. They can even take Marilyn Manson and sacrifice him. I don't really care. Just make them leave.

Oh, did I mention that at the gym this evening, I ran on one of the eight treadmills, women occupied the other seven, and that EVERY F*CKING CHANNEL WAS FIXED ON THE G*DDAMN OPRAH WINFREY SHOW?

Sonsag*ddamnedb*tches.

As I Ramble On About Various Nothings....

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--Someone please tell me they've seen the new Quizno's commercials with the singing (I think they're) mice with the cutout mouths and the sombreros. F*cking hilarious. Blake, I wish you still owned a few. Absolutely hysterical. Every time it comes on I can't get it out of my head for hours.

"Any coupon works...for hair plugs or pony rides....eat Quizno's subs..."

--On the heels of the brilliant Quizno's Mice, I need to talk about Threebrain. I recall being exposed to this sophomore or junior year of college. I don't know if you could call them a "band"; I think they're more suited to the "Performance Art" category. It's unexplainable. Here's what you do: go to their website I've linked here, click on the link on their page that says "Rock Videos" and watch the one entitled "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". Did I say it would change your life? It will. A grand step above The Badger Song Site in creativity and artistic merit, but light years ahead in the "What the f*ck is this?" department.

--Has anyone watched The Inferno yet? It's the new RW/RR Challenge on MTV. Absolutely fantastic. RW Las Vegas Trishelle has zero--and possible negative--shame. To say that she has hit an all-time low in the realm of television would be The Understatement of This Short Century (TM) because 99% of television to this point have been fictional characters. If aliens came down to earth and judged humanity based on RW Las Vegas Trishelle, we'd either be vaporized or transported back to planet Schnarflat where we'd be forced to mine useless metals for thousands of years.

That said, I sat watching The Inferno last night giddy as a schoolboy, giggling (possibly cackling) wildly at the sheer Christmas Gift of Reality Television, thanking the Gods that some people will put their Train Wreck Lives on display for the masses. But hey, true perfection has to be imperfect, right?

And tonight's Real World San Diego? F*CKING GIDDY!

--Every time I see the video for I Believe In a Thing Called Love by The Darkness I cannot even think of changing the channel. I feel like a sixteen year old girl in 1986 watching a Poison video for the first time. I'm guessing it's not possible, but is it...I mean, are they...is there any chance they can be serious? The guy with the mustache and Village People Hat make me think they can't be. I mean a giant Space Squid attacking their Star Trek Spaceship should tip me off, but then you see the lead singer and you have to wonder...Jesus. Here:

The Darkness

Their lead singer gets my props as #2 Most Disgusting Male On Earth, coming in close behind #1, the Guy Who Sings the Diddys in the "Real Men of Genius" Commercials ("Don't knock my smock...").

--I picked up my grandfather the other night to get him to my mom's house. Pa is 83. Pa is not the safest driver on the road, and it's a miracle he asked me to pick him up, on account of the rampant ice here in Alask...er, Harrisburg. He advised me to take the highway to my mom's house rather than the back way, as, in his words, "there are cops crawling all over it." To which I said, "Well that doesn't matter for you because you don't speed, right Pa?" He replied, "Yes I do. I like to go." Frightening words from an old, unsteady man who a few years ago bought a new car because he "needed more Uumph." God help us. I'm thinking we should possibly revoke his license before someone gets hurt. Seriously.

Thought about this again today while I was at the DMV. First of all, I know people make jokes about this all the time, but that place really is a f*cking leper colony. I'm convinced that normal people don't walk into that building to get Driver's Licenses; they just have them drop-shipped to their house. Being in there made me concerned that there was really something wrong with me mentally and physically. I'm not kidding. Besides the deaf guy that was loudly asking people questions and getting pissed when they didn't understand his unintelligible garble, there was the dude who kept bopping his five year old on the top of the head, the woman who took up literally two seats and complained audibly that the chairs were uncomfortable, and the woman who complained extremely audibly to the desk attendant that she didn't realize you had to have a Birth Certificate to get a new license, much less take a driving test, and when asked was unable to produce a license form another state, and when the attendant queried how she got herself to the DMV, the woman picked up all her junk and left.

Secondly, I sat there for an hour and a half the first time. Finally my number was called. I walked up to the guy sitting there and said I needed to change my license over from Virginia to Pennsylvania. Simple enough. I had a piece of mail with my address on it. I had my VA license. What else could there be? In Virginia, they just switch you over. Good state. Efficient.

But not Pennsylvania. Oh no. I was told that I'd also need a Birth Certificate, a Social Security Card, and another piece of f*cking mail with my name and address on it. I explained to the guy that my Social Security number was already on my Virginia ID and that I had previously had a PA Driver's License. He looked it up in the computer. "Ah, there you are," he says. Phew.

"Now," he continued, "as soon as you can get that Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, and another piece of mail with your name and address on it, we can get you all squared away."

F*CKING MOTHERF*CKING B*TCHF*CKING ASSD*CK D*UCHECLOWN FOSSILC*CK MOTHERF*CKER. D*CKLESS BRAINLESS SPINELESS...HALLELUAH, HOLY SH*T. WHERE'S THE TYLENOL?

I return home. I eat a chicken sandwich. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom, but settle for just a Dragon Draining (TM) only as I have plenty to get on with. For some reason I'm delusional, thinking I can wait. Remember this lapse of judgment.

I return to the DMV. More of the same people. One guy, seated about three chairs away from me on the end of the row, actually blows a f*cking snot rocket on the ground. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. In protest, I move to the corner of the room and curl up in the fetal position, weeping gently.

After a half hour or so of me crying, an old lady walks in. She's in the 70-80 year old range. She forgets to take a number, so someone points out to her that she needs to get one. It takes her ten minutes to find the huge f*cking orange box that says "TAKE NUMBER HERE" located right in front of the f*cking entrance. Sure, I could have showed her where it was, but remember: You Don't Talk to People at the DMV. So she finally gets her ticket. Turns out she's there for a driving test and didn't need the number in the first place. Dumb Luck I guess. Her name gets called. I watch as she passes the Eyesight Test after four tries. The guy testing her is being really patient and too lenient for my own mental well-being. Finally, he sends her over to a block of computers to take her Computer Test. It's seventeen questions. The same one we all took to get our Learner's Permits. You have to get fourteen right to pass.

After twenty minutes or so, she walks back over to her son who has now come into meet her. "I didn't understand the questions," she tells him. "I know I failed. I didn't understand a single one." She goes back to the guy at the desk and tells him the same thing. "Maybe you did better than you thought," he says. He clicks away at the computer. A look of grave concern crosses his face. "Ma'am," he starts, "you missed every question. If you didn't understand, why didn't you come ask one of us to help you?"

"Well they were just so confusing."

The guy looks back at his monitor. "Ma'am, your first question asked you, on a two lane highway, which lane is the considered the 'Passing Lane'. Do you remember?"

"Yes."

"Answer 'A' was the Left Lane, answer 'B' was the Right Lane, and answer 'C' was Skip. You chose answer 'C'. Why?"

"I was confused."

He clicked something off on his monitor. "Well then, Ma'am, you shouldn't be driving. I'll need to keep your license. It is currently suspended. You can retest in six months. Take a book and study."

I wanted to stand and clap. Whoop and holler. I don't give a damn if any of you think this is mean, as I think it's absolutely necessary. You might feel bad for her, but at least the roads are safer. She made some remarks about how she had been driving for 60 years and how would she get to Bingo now and what about if she wanted to visit her daughter in Dallastown (exactly one town over).

"My advice, Ma'am? Relish the fact that I'm going wait 20 minutes to suspend this license so you can drive home. Then get a bus pass."

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now Pa's admission that he speeds doesn't make me so frightened. It probably should, and maybe I'm lying, but I don't think so.

Everything else went smoothly, except for the fact that at the hour and fifteen minute mark of waiting for my number to be called...well, remember the chicken sandwich? The refusal to take care of nature's processes? The chicken sandwich was on wheat, and I don't eat a ton of fiber. By the time they called my number, I had to crap so bad that my lip was quivering and I had gone blind in my left eye. I sat down in front of the nice lady, lopsided from the pain, knowing that one sharp sound or one errant elbow from the person next to me and I'd release. Violently. Wait until you see my new Driver's License Picture. Then I really would have been one of the DMV people, fair and square.

Final tally: $26 (f*ck me running, you pr*ck b*stards), 2.75 hours, one-half tank of gas, one chicken sandwich, and one distended colon.

Going Back to My Roots

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--OK, finally saw a clip of Other Jacksons Gone Wild featuring JT. Definitely not an accident. I will say I honestly believe that MTV and CBS didn't know that was going to be part of the act, as Jackson has acknowleged. Yeah, MTV tries to skirt the boundaries, but always on its own network. There's no reason for them to offend the entire Viacom conglomerate during what amounts to a family show. Doesn't make sense. What does make sense is that Janet Jackson is a fading Superstar with a new album coming out and she desperately need the publicity. End of story.

Here's something that pissed me off though. I was watching The O'Reilly Factor late last night. I usually disagree with much of what Bill puts out there but I respect the fact that he's well educated and deals in facts--almost all of the time. Last night, he laid into MTV and Hip-hop in particular, saying that everyone involved in each was a weasel, they contribute nothing positive to the culture, and that he was sure that Viacom was going to go in and clean house and that this would be the end of MTV.

On the contrary. His guest, a media expert, pointed out that it's great publicity for MTV. O'Reilly noted that they don't need any publicity, that they are huge on their own and their network of fans would be there without this. What Big Bill refuses to realize is that people who have moved away from MTV or were not yet fans will at least tune in for the next few weeks to gauge MTV's reaction. In that time they'll land even more viewers. Sure, they might get hit with a million dollar fine after the FCC investigation, but in the end everyone is going to come out on top. Except Janet, who might be done.

Anyway, I wanted to address O'Reilly, so I sent him this email today. Mind you, anyone who knows me knows I am mostly anti-rap, anti-Hip-Hop.

"While I too thought the Super Bowl Halftime Show was deplorable and ill-conceived, I want to take issue with your assessment of MTV And Hip-Hop as a whole.

I personally can't stand 99% of Hip-Hop, but my dislike for it does not incline me to negate it as an art form. Your comments pertaining to the genre seem to stem from prejudice rather than fact, and from referencing isolated incidents rather than a general effect on the culture. I would assert that the children who quote lines from songs and from Hip-Hip slang inappropriately were more products of awful judgment and misguided or ineffectual parenting than a media brainwashing. There are millions who listen to this music and conduct their everyday lives as considerate, respectful citizens.

Isn't it possible that you are, like many in your age bracket, simply out of touch with popular culture? Seems to hearken back to all the adults governing your generation who thought that the swaying of Elvis's hips or the guitar work of The Beatles branded Rock and Roll with the Sign of the Devil. Didn't most of the early rockers end up OK?

I hardly ever agree with your opinions but I respect you mightily. I think that Hip-Hop often carries incendiary messages, but I also believe it's up to the parents to make their kids understand the difference between good usage and bad, between careful understanding and careless application. It's difficult to hold artists responsible for someone mistaking their intention--entertainment--and labeling the whole of the community as reprehensible because a few listeners happen to be morons."

Maybe I'll make the show.

--Did anyone notice that the date today is 02/03/04? Nice.

GOOSETOWN CINEMATIQUE

Was thinking last night about what snobs media critics are. A person finds their niche, be it music or literature or film, and through learning becomes an expert. However, what happens too often is the critic becoming jaded and taking him or herself too seriously.

You see it happen most often with Music and Film critics. You read their reviews in the paper or in a magazine and you can tell that they're giving The All-American Rejects album a negative review because it doesn't stack up to Revolver. It's pathetic, because any idiot can tell that The Rejects aren't trying to measure up to the Beatles--they're just trying to put out a record that sounds good and people enjoy on some level.

I made a promise to myself long ago not to become one of these people. I would consider myself a rough expert in film, and as such I would never make a comparison of Dumb and Dumber to Dances With Wolves. It's impossible, but you see people do it all the time. I think critics get into a trap of thinking that every movie has to be another Oscar contender, when half the time the general public doesn't even want to see an Oscar contender. Sometimes, you just want to have fun. Therefore, I am going to break down the four levels of Hollywood: Flicks, Movies, Films, and Cinema. Each has its good, bad and awful, and each holds a cache of favorites to choose from.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The Listed are not intended to be my Top Five Picks in each category, but merely examples. I don't have the time, patience, or sanity to pick a Top Five in each.)

FLICKS--Generally end up being in the comedy or horror genre, with a few exceptions. Production values are not usually held in the highest regard, but you can often end up with some great individual performances or something that's so dumb you have to laugh at it.

1) License to Drive--I have referenced this before. No one will mistake it for a great film, but it's a riot. Nothing special but enough Umph to make you giddy.

2) Saving Silverman--Gets funnier every time I watch it. Absolutely dumb as hell but hysterical.

3) A Nightmare on Elm Street--Interchangeable with the Friday the 13th Series or the Halloween Series. Slasher flicks almost always lack good narrative qualities but you always come out having a good time. If gore and screaming are your thing.

4) The Goonies--See #1.

5) Office Space--Most of us have the DVD, but don't you end up watching it every f*cking time it's on TV? And did anyone see it in the theater? The trailer made it look horrible! It's an all-time favorite.

MOVIES--Like Flicks, but bigger. More attention to production value as the Action genre takes hold or a comedy with a tighter story and writing. Hard to find a decent drama in this category, still.

1) Top Gun--Come on, you f*cking know you love it. The one-liners are irreplaceable and the combat scenes are great.

2) Dumb and Dumber--Because the writing is so damn good and because Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are perfect. Mark my words: good comedy is much tougher to pull off than good drama.

3) When Harry Met Sally--Romantic Comedies are the lowest form of entertainment on the planet, bar none. But this one will be the only to grace the list because of the great writing and performances. I will give an honorable mention to Serendipity.

4) Die Hard--Movies like this, Bad Boys, The Rock, etc. These types of action movies are casually referred to as "Popcorn Flicks", which just f*cking means "Fun Movies".

5) Finding Forrester--A drama with just the right touch of humor. Just not enough mojo to carry it over.

FILMS--Increased production values and careful attention to casting, direction, and cinematography. More drama than comedy. Many are adaptations of popular novels. This is where most Independent Films start to creep in, as typical Hollywood studios are reluctant to produce films out of their two prior comfort zones.

1) Gladiator--I believe that the death sequence at the end of this movie is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Basically interchangeable with Braveheart in theme and scope.

2) The Sixth Sense--Brilliant writing, acting, and execution. Treads ground that few in the Horror genre have dared.

3) Lawrence of Arabia--Set the standard by which all current Epics are based.

4) Toy Story--Earns a place up here because the attention to detail is so great and the depth of meaning is even greater. Transcends age barriers as the humor, which has one meaning to the children in the audience, has separate meaning to the adults.

5) Chinatown--Probably the best screenplay of all time and technically perfect.

CINEMA--Here's where we get into more foreign films and avant-garde independents. Often an experimental piece that clicks with an audience. Very fine line between brilliance and muddled idiocy.

1) The Wild Strawberries--Ingmar Bergman's masterpiece. If you get someone to help you decipher the symbolism its impact is profound. However, finding Osama's cave is probably easier than finding that person.

2) 8 1/2--Fellini's masterpiece. F*cking weird, but again, if you can get a handle on the symbolism it's engrossing. Even if you can't, the photography is incredible.

3) Requiem For a Dream--The subject matter is horrifying and some of the visuals are pretty rough on the tummy, but I think this is an important and often overlooked film.

4) The Shawshank Redemption--Alright, I admit, it's probably more of a "Film", but goddamnit, it's my favorite and I think it's perfect.

5) The Graduate--Took chances that other films of its era didn't even think about. Still simple enough in all the right places to resonate with just about anyone.

Remember, you don't have to be a critical to be a critic. When you see a movie the only important thing is "Was I entertained?" If you weren't, the assessment ends there. If you were, go and compare henceforth and irregardless (you're welcome, T. Rich). No reason to be a brooding, bitter assh*le.

HALFTIME SHOW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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--Of course, of course, of COURSE, the only time in my life that I've skipped the SuperBowl Hafltime Show, something historical happens. We change the channel to Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, which of COURSE was a f*cking repeat that I've already seen but I watched again, and I miss Janet Jackson's Fabulous Breast in all its glory.

In case you don't know what happened, Janet Jackson performed with Justin Timberlake during the MTV Halftime Show on CBS last night. At the end of their little performance, JT (as I like to call him) ripped off the breastal section of Janet's costume, exposing her right mammary gland for the world to see. Full out. No joke. The only thing between America and gratuitous nudity was some kind of gothic, sun-shaped nipple ring/clamp that looked not unlike the main weapon used in the 80's Fantasy Classic Krull. Anyway, enough of me talking about it, if you missed it or you just want to see Janet in the near-altogether, here's a link (Kudos to Ben Foltz for providing so quickly):

Janet's Titty

The best part of the whole deal? CBS and the FCC are fuming. CBS is saying it was an accident, but the FCC called the display "a classless, crass and deplorable stunt". JT's excuse? Swear to God--he called it a "wardrobe malfunction".

I love America.

--You can't be upset that the Panthers won, but I was pulling for the underdogs. What the f*ck happened to the Defense of both teams? Carolina's vaunted secondary was abysmal. You gotta feel good for Tom Brady though. He just seems like a nice guy.

--Even though they lost, I still would have given the MVP to Jake Delhomme, especially after the first half he had. He was all guts and getting pressured every single down. And he didn't throw an interception, which is uncharacteristic of Cajun Jake, who apparently stopped turning the ball over incessantly only after our Fantasy Football Season ended and he was no longer a disease to my squadron. Thanks Jake. B*stard.

--If you are an NFL team without a real top-shelf RB (Lions, Cardinals, Patriots, Browns, Steelers, Redskins, etc.) you had better do every damn thing you can in this off-season to make a play at DeShaun Foster.

I'll be back with more later, just wanted to make sure you got the link to Janet.