15 September 2006



First of all, if you are one of the people offended by the theme of the new season of SURVIVOR...please, ManJesus, f*ck off. It's television. And not even good television - it's sh*tty, manipulative reality television. It's a gimmick. Congratulations if you're pathetic enough to find it racially insensitive - you've just lowered yourself to a sub-human level.

It's for you people - and for my own personal amusement - that I give you my RACIST SURVIVOR BLOG SERIES.

In case you live under a rock (and that's a special rock if you've got Internet access - let's talk later), SURVIVOR made headlines this year because the show decided to divide the contestants up into four Tribes: Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and Whiteys. A collection of reactions from various Ethnic Coalitions:

NAACP - "We don't like this! It's a new form of segregation!"
Hispanic Scholarship Fund - "There's no need to put our people through this again!"
National Asian Presbyterian Council - "Confucius say this outrage!"
White Cracker Board of Control - "We drive the Dodge Stratus!"

This show is a powderkeg. A potential microcosm of geopolitical and ethnocentric associations. A veritable smorgasbord for my satirical, apathetic mind. How could everything go so right?

My opinions on the first Episode:

--Within seconds of the Asians being first on their mangy raft, things are looking good. Team unity abounds. They're paddling like engineers should. Then, all of a sudden, Cao Boi (pronounced "Cowboy", something I couldn't possibly make up) starts cracking racial jokes. About Asians. Something about everyone being light and having strength from picking rice. One female teammate quips, "Stop being stereotypical."

She is even less enthused when, upon reaching shore, Cao Boi attempts to blindfold her with dental floss.

--Every team has at least one ripped, good-looking dude and one attractive (or semi-attractive...or at least huge-t*ttied) and athletic (or semi-athletic...or at least huge-t*ttied) female...except the black people.

Screwed. They've got one chick who might have been athletic a decade ago, two other girls who have seen their share of McDonald's, a quasi-fit big guy who seems at least half retarded, and a fat dude who took four naps on the opening day. I spent the entire Closing Credits sequence looking for David Duke's name under "Executive Producer".

Aaaaaaaaaaaand...they lost the first challenge. More on that in a minute.

--Billy, the fat representative of the Hispanic team, claims that his team has an advantage because their heritage is from the Caribbean and South America, making them well built for surviving and thriving in a tropical environment. One of his teammates is from Oakland. The other three are from Los Angeles.

Billy is a fat man from New York City.

I don't even have a joke here. That's like me saying, "Part of my family is from Germany centuries ago, so I'm built to eat the f*ck out of some bratwurst." I hate bratwurst.

Wait, I did have a joke there. Billy is stupid.

--It was cold the first night on the island, so the Whiteys huddled together and made what one female teammate called a "cuddle puddle". To preserve body heat. You might think that's a bit uncomfortable and a SuperCracker move, but consider what the other Tribes did: they slapped each other until they couldn't feel the cold anymore.

Because they're savages. They're not white. See?

OK, I made that last part up, but the cuddling thing is true. I'm still not sure why they didn't just all get in someone's Stratus.

--Three of the people on the Asian team are named Becky, Jenny, and Brad. There's a white girl named Parvati Shallow.

Soak that in for a second. Also, Becky the Asian is a lawyer. That bears mentioning. Because her name is Becky. And she's Asian. And a lawyer.

--Team Whitebread collected two chickens off the initial Survivor Boat. One of those chickens had a green tag on it...meaning it was for the Asian Team. Jonathan, not only the whitest guy on Team Whitebread but the Whitest SURVIVOR contestant ever, was the culprit. This will become important later.

In other news Jessica (who asked to be called "Flicka", her roller derby name) soon let both chickens go - accidentally - to run into the woods. Team Whitebread? Not happy. You don't f*ck with a white man's chickens, even if you're a white chick. Not cool.

--Cao Boi tried to rid teammate Brad of his headache by gouging his eyes and pulling a piece of skin (directly in the middle of his eyebrows) violently for about fifteen minutes. Brad's headache went away but he was left with a long, obvious red welt in between his eyes. From the busted blood vessels. The conversation afterwards went thusly:

BRAD: So...how long will this be here?
CAO BOI: You had a lot of bad wind in there, man. It will go away when you're completely healed.
B: Right. So...what is this supposed to be then?
C: (a few beats) It's an indicator.

Later, Brad - who says he's a fashion designer - proceeded to build a replica Shaolin Temple out of palm fronds and dead centipedes.

--Just like in real life, Team Anti-Honkey (The Blacks) and Team Tortilla (The Hispanics) were largely ignored during the show, as what they were doing was of little importance. Neither had the chance to attempt a drive-by shooting, though there is a rumor that a future luxury item in the show will be 10 cans of spray paint and a blank wall which they will have fifteen minutes to tag with gang symbols.

When they did show these teams...once was to show a Tortilla climbing a tree like a monkey and another was to show an Anti-Honkey sleeping.

Hey, I don't edit the show, I just tell you what was there.

Onto the Immunity Challenge...

--The Challenge went as such: construct a five-person boat out of the puzzle pieces given, row out to a buoy that contains fire, light fire torch, row back to shore, put together a directional puzzle, place the pieces on the wall in their respective areas, climb wall, light fire.

Pros: Pretty much OK at everything. Can do puzzles, can do some physical stuff, should finish middle of the pack. Like Trent Dilfer, we can manage a game.
Cons: Just OK at everything. Not going to blow anyone away. In fact...pretty mediocre.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: How are we not good at anything at all and still able to run the world? We don't even have NUMBERS anymore. Totally perplexing. Moving on...)

Pros: Puzzle giants. Sure as hell could tell you the exact seaworthiness of the boat using advanced algorithms. Fast as greased lightning.
Cons: Probably not really good at constructing the boat. Small hands - can they climb?

Pros: Can row the f*ck out of sh*t, which is how their families got here in the first place.
Cons: Well...I mean, outside of making chorizo...

Pros: Obviously, they can climb. As if this was ever in question.
Cons: They have a fat guy who sleeps a lot. You do the math (or let Team Confucius do it for you).

--Surprisingly, Team Confucius throws their boat together lickedy-split and is off and running, totally killing everyone. Whitebread starts bickering about inane sh*t from the jump, leaving them trailing behind the Tortillas, who row like they've won the secret motorboat (Dave "Evil Ways" Neustadter's theory: "They told them they could keep the raft.").

Confucius and Tortilla blow everyone away. It's down Whitebread and Anti-Honkey. Anti-Honkey is blitzing after getting a late start, almost squashing the rumor that Black people don't like the water. Almost. Whitebread can't get going because the men have tiny penises, leaving their raft too light to navigate properly. Editing makes it look like it comes down to the wire, but Whitebread fixes up their puzzle all nice - and even has a chance to try to blow it by climbing the wall before they've set their pieces in it - and leaves the losers in the dust, finishing third.

That means our African friends have to vote someone off their team that evening. But wait! A secret twist! Probst reveals that the losers get to vote anyone on one of the other teams onto Exile Island, where they'll have to stay for two days and make no communication with their Tribe. Who might they send? One of the Alpha Males? One of the smart athletic chicks?

Nuh-uh. The males shut out the females in the group, electing to send to Exile Island...Jonathan. Whitey McCracker. The total non-threat who stole the f*cking chicken. Anti-Honkey Nathan announces:

"Karma is a bizzle."

Score one for the Asians, one for the Hispanics, a half-point for the Whites, and an extra thirty years of oppression for Hitler's master race as they somehow used their Jedi mindgames to trick Nathan into making one of the worst moves in SURVIVOR history. HE DIDN'T EVEN STEAL YOUR CHICKEN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!!!!

In a move that surprises no one, Team Anti-Honkey votes off Sekou (pronounced Say-koo) by a tally of 3-2. The naps were just too much.

In a fit of unintentional comedy, no one who votes for Sekou spells his name the same way. One gets it right, one opts for "Seko" (which, phonetically, sounds more like a cheap watchmaker than Say-koo), and yet another goes with "Seiku".

No one else will say it, so I'll just say it: black people have no idea what they're doing with names. No clue. Making sh*t up. I now have no problem believing that the same woman who wanted to name her child "Thomas" ended up with "Ta'Quan" purely on accident.


FIRST PLACE - The Asians. Killing this sh*t like it's Math homework.
SECOND PLACE - The Hispanics. Probably temporary unless there's a lawncare competition.
THIRD PLACE - The Whites. So far totally unimpressive, which means they'll end up winning when one of their fathers buys the company that produces the show.
LAST PLACE - The Blacks. Things are looking up, though - right before being ousted, Sekou channeled the spirit of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Come back next week for more race-based hatred!