GEOFFREY'S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2011

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It’s safe to say that 2011 was a terrible year for movies.

Wait, no, that’s not right. I mean…2011 was a terrible year for me to get out to SEE movies. Between work, allergies that might as well have raped me in prison and watching my brother’s toddler for the bulk of the Spring/Summer, I was and still am way behind on my typical viewing schedule.

By my count, I saw fewer than 75 of 2011’s movies. That is so God-awful that I can’t even begin to explain to you the feeling of my testicles retracting into my pelvis at seeing such a number. It’s revolting. It’s repugnant. It is WRONG. Usually I see double that, and perhaps even a few more. That in mind, you should take this list as the musing of a compromised, sad little cinematic. Among movies that I desperately wanted to see this year but didn’t (though a few I will get to in the next couple weeks): JANE EYRE, SUBMARINE, A BETTER LIFE, PROJECT NIM, WINNIE THE POOH, ATTACK THE BLOCK (attempted the other day but only got 20 minutes in), BELLFLOWER, TAKE SHELTER, BEING ELMO, THE ARTIST, SHAME, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY, CORMAN’S WORLD, PARIAH, GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (which I’m seeing tonight). And then a whole bunch of others. Upon seeing them, this list could obviously change.

Onto the bullshit. As per normal, this is ranked not by movies I necessarily think are “best”, but by which ones I like the most/resonate with me. Also, I’m going to cheat ruthlessly:

HONORABLE MENTION:

CEDAR RAPIDS; RANGO; GREEN HORNET; LIMITLESS; SOURCE CODE; THOR; BRIDESMAIDS; HORRIBLE BOSSES; CAPTAIN AMERICA; SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS; FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS; RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES; THE DESCENDENTS; HUGO; THE MUPPETS; SENNA; MYTH OF THE AMERICAN SLEEPOVER; TURKEY BOWL

GEOFF’S TOP TEN OF 2011:

10 (tie): MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL and X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
Flat-out, MI:GP was the most fun I had at the movies this year. No question. Probably the most entertaining action film that I’ve seen in a while. It seems almost stupid to say that this was a coming-out party for Brad Bird, but for a lot of people who never recognized his work with Pixar, it will be. And I don’t care what anyone says – I love and will always love Tom Cruise. The man is a hero.

XM:FC might have ended up as my favorite comic book movie ever. It managed to combine a couple legitimately thrilling set pieces with a ton of heart, a particularly smart origin story and some cleverly-bent history to create a fantastically great time at the movies. Also, Zoe Kravitz. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

9. THE IDES OF MARCH
You don’t get many political thrillers that are spent on the campaign trail, where the real seeds of corruption are filmy planted…if they’re not flowering out of control already. Long a much-loved unproduced script, this is the first entry on my list out of THREE that includes a performance by Ryan Gosling, who had as successful a year for an actor in terms of performance as I can ever remember. Special kudos go to Clooney for directing this twisty, turny affair with crisp grace, managing to leave us wondering still at the end – are there ANY good guys in this story?

Special mention: Clooney provided my favorite performance by a male actor this year in THE DESCENDENTS. Even though the film itself was strong, I had my issues with it. But Clooney was terrific as a subtly broken man who’d lost his way but managed to be a leader and role model anyway.

8. CONTAGION
Most post-apocalyptic films work for me just because I’m fascinated by the concept – the deserted, crumbling landscape, the emaciated walking corpses, the loss of hope. And CONTAGION isn’t quite apocalyptic, but it’s a movie that shows you just how close you can brush up against it, which it turns out is just as (if not somehow more) terrifying. This was the scariest film of the year in my estimation, and I don’t think there’s any doubt that Soderbergh is one of the modern masters at setting mood.

7. 50/50
My favorite Original Screenplay of the year and a movie that really worked on me because even if you had no idea that the script was based on the writer’s actual experiences, you would know that it was based on the writer’s actual experiences. It’s incredibly personal and unique in that it’s not JUST the writer laying bare everything – it’s the director, the actors, everyone involved as well. In a dramedy it’s almost impossible to not hit a false note somewhere, and this never does. Major props to JGL for pulling off a ridiculous performance after coming onto the film just weeks before it started shooting.

6. CRAZY STUPID LOVE
A lot of people liked this movie, but I found that most who did still had a lot of caveats. I suppose I understand that to some degree, but what I heard most was some form of, “It couldn’t decide what KIND of movie it wanted to be.” And though I disagree, there’s an element of truth to that – it’s alternately, slapsticky, observational, dramatic, sentimental, winsome, melancholy, etc. Well guess what? So is life. And I thought this film captured that perfectly, right down to the improbable-yet-entirely-possible set of coincidences that grace the third act. Loved every minute of this one, including the first act which moved a little more deliberately than the rest of the film.

5. MONEYBALL
My favorite Adapted Screenplay of the year – I mean, I know, a real fucking stretch considering it was Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin contributing. What really impressed me about this one was both how funny it was and the fact that it was built around a premise that is both somewhat of a failure and also open-ended, not to mention based on a work of staggering nonfiction…and yet it worked beautifully as a complete, three-act story. It’s one of those rare sports films that non-sports fans can appreciate and understand as well as hardcore sports fans, and it is so appreciable because it never tries talking down (or using copious amounts of exposition in explaining its intricacies) to the audience.

4. YOUNG ADULT
I’m a big fan of the anti-hero, but I was NOT prepared for how far Charlize Theron (in my favorite performance of the year by ANYONE) was about to beat that archetype into my skull with unrelenting fervency. I love, love, love, love, love love love love love that Reitman, Cody and company NEVER let up in the assault on the audience of this one terrible woman, who starts awful and finishes awful. Even better: this is not someone who is a broken person and is made bad by the world around her. This is someone who CHOOSES to be terrible. All the time. With no reluctance. And the result is a disturbing, dark, insanely painful and funny ride.

(FULL DISCLOSURE #1: Diablo is producing one of my films.)
(FULL DISCLOSURE #2: Go fuck yourself. This is still brilliant.)

3. DRIVE
The third movie featuring Ryan Gosling. A ton has already been said in praise of this one, from the directing to the acting to the writing to the score, and it’s all correct. I don’t want to add anything unnecessary, so I’ll just say this: this film pulled off a nigh-impossible task in simply being unabashedly, effortlessly cool. Many have tried. This one came through.

2. MELANCHOLIA
Here’s how much the second half of this movie knocked me off my feet: I could take or leave the bulk of the first half of the movie. I didn’t dislike it, per se, but after a few minutes I just didn’t care. She’s a manic-depressive; we get it. In fact, I spent the near-entirety of it (outside of the first ten minutes, which is peerless in its sheer visual beauty) convinced that I was going to be writing this off as a pretty, pretentious pile of shit.

Man, was I wrong. When we kick into the second half and the film’s vision of the perhaps-approaching apocalypse, I was RIVETED. This is the quietest film I’ve ever seen about the potential end of the world and also the loveliest in so many ways. In particular, the human struggle to fear the end of life as we know it while trying to balance the logic of those in a position of expertise to tell you that it’s not going to happen was fascinating. Trying to make the most of your time with your loved ones just in case while attempting to do perhaps the most human of things – pretend that nothing’s wrong. By the end, this movie had rocked me to my core and left me – legitimately – nearly breathless. If you haven’t yet, seek it out.

1B. TREE OF LIFE
I’m splitting up my #1 film into two films because there’s no other way to do it – they’re so impossibly different that I have no choice.

The first, to me, isn’t really a film so much as it’s a memory – the way it’s shot, the way it’s acted, the story it tells. An examination of what we as people share universally with the forces of nature and the very construction of our planet itself…I mean, look. If you hated this movie, I totally get it. This is one of those films that either locks into you on an extremely personal level or shuts you out with a heavy steel door. I will argue certain points about what the film does or says, but I can’t imagine a film that calls more to be personally absorbed or rejected outright.
And so there’s almost no constructive way to discuss it other than in personal terms. For me, it posed questions (with very few answers, which I found refreshing) that I have about life and the vastness that surrounds me while reminding me almost wholesale what it was like to be a burgeoning adolescent trying to find my place within my family, friends, and the world at large. Maybe the best compliment I can give it: I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it again quite yet. All things considered, the “best” movie I saw this year.

1A. WARRIOR
Again, a seminally different film from co-#1 TREE OF LIFE, this is the film that hit me on all levels this year, the film that I saw the most times in a theater this year (4), and the film that I’ll probably rewatch the most in the future.
I’m a big-time MMA fan, and curiously, I think that might have actually been a slight detriment to my enjoyment of the film. If there was one problem I had with it, it’s that portions of the MMA action were overstaged, which converged on the realism for me to a degree. Still, it wasn’t anywhere near the transgression of the depiction of sport seen in the likes of the ROCKY series; it was enhanced properly to give a general audience a sense of the scale of what can or could happen in MMA, so it’s understandable.

But for me, this was first and foremost a movie about family. It played on familiar tropes and maladies and covered ground that many have charted previously. But you know what? It got it so, so, SO right. It’s all heart, the quintessential underdog story that sucks you in and smacks you around in all the right ways. I clapped at the end. Oh man, did I clap. Yes, you know from the very beginning of this thing that Joel Edgerton and Tom Hardy, playing estranged brothers, are going to be fighting for a title at the end. That’s never in question. What is in question is whether or not they’re ever going to heal from that fight – and that has nothing to do with broken bones or deep bruises. It’s exhilarating and moving and poignant and wonderful. And it’s my favorite movie of the year.

THE THINGS TO BE SAID WHEN THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY

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As is the case with much of life, I didn't see the events of this week coming, wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with them, and have no clue exactly how I'm going to feel going forward. All I really do know is that I sat up all night thinking about this, and woke up this morning asking myself, "How the hell are you going to lose sleep over a football team?"

And of course, it's far more than just a football team. While many of you actually attended PSU, I didn't. However, I grew up with and at Penn State. It's kind of hard to avoid when your family has been season ticket holders since the 1960s and watching the games is part of a bonding experience that's indelibly burned into the very fiber of your being. It stopped being "just football" on more or less the day I was born 32 years ago and officially became "part of my life".

And as every event in the history of Penn State football, so are the events of this week a chapter in my life. Naturally, it's one chapter I'd just as soon rip out of the book and bury in the backyard as if it never happened. Sadly, there are no real pages, and there is no backyard.

To paraphrase Robert Frost, we have many, many miles to travel before the scandal that befell us this week is over and we can finally put it to rest. But there are a few things that I wanted - and need - to say, and no matter the outcome.

With Joe Paterno's own admission that he, in hindsight, wishes he would have done more about the Sandusky situation, I'm forced to change my tune in the way I've defended him this week. While we still don't know a significant portion of the details of what occurred between 2002 and this past week, Joe's own admission was that he failed the victims in this case. In that, he also failed the University, a concept that's almost impossible for me to reconcile considering how much he loved and gave to it his entire life. And as angry and upset as I am, there are parts of me that can understand - not condone, not forgive, not excuse, but UNDERSTAND - how it could have happened.

An infinitesimal few of us, thank God, can actually put ourselves in McQueary's or Joe's shoes. Oh sure, we can sit here, protected by the relative anonymity of message board avatars, and project from our own moral high ground. But if we're being honest with ourselves...what WOULD we really have done? If you're McQueary, maybe some of you run and tackle Sandusky and beat him to a pulp; we sure would all like to do that retroactively, no doubt. Maybe some of you run right and call the police. Maybe some of us are so shocked that we don't know HOW to act - having seen a mentor that we've known and respected for more than a decade commit one of the most abhorrent atrocities one could imagine. For myself...I have no clue. I'd like to think I'd be the hero of the situation, running in and separating this vile scumbag from his teeth. But I think there's just as good a chance I'd break down and call someone I trusted before I flat-out lost my mind. I don't excuse what Mike did. But I understand how he could have done it.

If you're Joe...how do you react to hearing THAT kind of news about one of your closest friends and colleagues of DECADES? How many of us could sit here and say that they'd immediately call the police on one of their best friends if they'd heard secondhand that he'd molested a child? Could you snap into action, or would you need some time to process the bomb that's been dropped on you and wrestle with doing the right thing...and even not being able to decide, on the snap of a finger, what the right thing really IS? Again, the answers seem so clear and easy when it's not you, when you weren't there, when you DIDN'T have to make that decision. I don't excuse what Joe did. But I understand how he could have done it.

I wrote a post a couple days ago detailing how it was the wrong move to thrust Joe into the center of this debate, and much of that I stand by. As Joe was, it seems, the ONLY one who fulfilled his legal obligation to the matter, I knew that pushing him to the forefront - making him the face of this tragedy just a he is the face of the University - was only going to cause more trouble than it had already. Sadly, I was right. Now the focus is squarely on Joe, and we're almost to the point of letting the REAL villains - Curley, Schultz, Spanier and, most importantly, Sandusky - get through the brunt of this unscathed. To me, that's the biggest shame in all of this. Paterno COULD and SHOULD have done more, but in the huge machine that is this travesty, he's a smaller cog. And he's essentially being sacrificed so the more nefarious players can continue hiding in the shadows for just a while longer. No one will ever remember most of those other names, but Joe? Sixty years of high character and impeccable graduation rates and accountability...to many, all gone. Now HE'S the target. And that is shameful.

And yet...you wonder how, for years, Paterno (again, we're assuming some information here, though it seems all too likely) could allow this monster to stay, for all intents and purposes, a part of the program. You wonder how any of them could. That's something I can't disengage from, and for whatever mistakes Joe has made in his life, I think it'd be safe to say this was the biggest. However, I'm also forced to recognize that he was NOT the only one, and the onus doesn't lie solely on him. Maybe not even mostly on him. And yet...he didn't do enough.

Where does this leave me now? I don't know. There's still too much to play out, too much to absorb, too much to consider. That said, I do know one thing:

This University is not any of these men. This University is the students, the athletes, the alumni, and the fans. And as sad and angry as I am at some of those who represented us, I will never turn my back on Penn State.

I am going to continue to be proud. I am going to continue to be proud of an idea, a place and a team, and no pathetic little cadre of corrupt deviants are going to change that.

I will continue to support PSU, win or lose against Nebraska this weekend. I will continue to support PSU for their two games following, and the potential Big Ten Championship, and the bowl game. I will continue to support them if they lose every single contest. Because that's not only what the players and the coaches and the program deserves - it's what I deserve as well.

I will continue to support PSU no matter who they hire as the new Head Coach. I will continue to support PSU if they clean house. I will continue to support PSU in a resurgence or a rebuilding. I will continue to support it no matter how good or bad the next ten, twenty, thirty years are.

Because The Pennsylvania State University stands for something to me. It is not this scandal. It is not this sadness. It is not Sandusky, or Curley, or Schultz or Spanier. It is not Joe Paterno.

Penn State is us. It is a wonderful, prideful, goodhearted community that can never and will never be broken. It is our friends and our family. It is our tradition.

The physical embodiment of that will not only be around televisions and in the stands on Saturday, but on the field.

I will be rooting for them then. I will be rooting for them always.

THE TOP TEN OF 2010

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Typical Cliched Disclaimer: This is a list of MY FAVORITE movies of the year; that does not necessarily include the “best” movies of the year. That’s a different thing. If this was that list, stuff like BLACK SWAN would be on it, because the second hour of that movie was the best thing anyone on the planet has produced in probably fifteen years. But since I found the first hour of the movie listless and marginally uninteresting, it’s not one of my favorites.

Also, hey…maybe there were some films I didn’t get to see this year (“yet” or “because I just didn’t want to” – take your pick). But everyone says that. And what the hell do you know? Maybe I did see everything. So don’t be such a judger.

Honorable Mention: WOLFMAN (yes, seriously, the Blu-ray cut is really good), SHUTTER ISLAND, THE BOOK OF ELI, CLASH OF THE TITANS (I am unashamed), CROPSEY, JACKASS 3D, DESPICABLE ME, TOY STORY 3, THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT, GASLAND, RED, DUE DATE, MORNING GLORY, BLACK SWAN

So here we go:

10. (tie) KICK-ASS/SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD – I think a lot of people are going to lump these two movies in together thematically/stylistically, and I think that’s a big mistake. I’m not doing that here. I simply couldn’t decide which one I enjoyed more, having seen both in the theater twice and multiple times on Blu-ray at home. Hey, both were also criminally overlooked by audiences! See, I only lump movies together non-artistically, which I think is much cleaner.

9. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE – True, this movie was produced by a good friend of mine and written by a good friend of mine. That just means I have awesome friends. And I got to go on set for a day and meet Diora Baird and Billy Zabka, and the movie is fucking hilarious, so I’m now kind of surprised this isn’t higher on my list.

8. WAKING SLEEPING BEAUTY – Though I’m still not recovered from the sight of Tim Burton animating Disney films, this is one of the few movies this year that I walked into with high expectations (thanks to a truly dazzling trailer) and found them immediately exceeded. There’s been a rush to vilify Disney in the past couple decades – a lot in life which they have, largely, brought upon themselves – and even if the film was shot through a bit of an emotional vasoline lens, it was heartwarming to see this group of people that cared about quality and creativity above all else and were so unbelievably talented to boot. Also think it was a fantastic decision not to make this into a film with just talking heads; worked so well thematically in this instance.

7. THE TOWN – I know some people still vehemently hate Ben Affleck, but I don’t get it and I never have. OK, the guy took some questionable roles or whatever, but who hasn’t? Fact of the matter is that he’s a fine actor and he’s turning into a better-than-solid director. And as I said at the time…where the HELL did Blake Lively come from in this movie? As far as I’m concerned, she kind of stole the show, which is hard to do when you’re playing the Certified Everyday Boston Whore role that I’m pretty sure they stamp into your brain in most acting classes.

6. A-TEAM – I don’t care. I don’t care what you think. It was loud and dumb and ridiculous (because that’s what they specialize in) and I laughed and clapped and cheered and it was the best time I had at the movies in 2010.

5. INCEPTION – I don’t know that there’s a whole lot left to be said about this one. For the record, I think the top fell. And for the record, I don’t think that’s the point of the movie at all.

4. TRUE GRIT – Hailee Steinfeld deserves an Oscar, plain and simple. This is the first Coen movie in a long time that lacked their particular brand of quirky flourish – which, like just about everyone else, I’m in love with – and I think that fit perfectly within the context of the Western. This movie was also the scene of my greatest Unaided Actor Call-Out of the year; the prosecuting lawyer that grills The Dude in the courtroom scene plays a police officer in VARSITY BLUES. Boom.

3. EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP – I think too many people have pointed it out already, but what’s one more: this is the best long-con in feature filmmaking in decades. I don’t think it’s a documentary any more than I think the History Channel isn’t run by freaks who masturbate to quatrains and old Nazi footage. And it’s STILL an amazing chronicle of street art, and it’s so effective that it just made me pissed off that I’m not a street artist. I don’t want to get in shape or be healthy or anything like that, but all I want for myself in my 30s is to get chased by the cops for creating vandal art and then miraculously Parkour my way right out of their grasp. Also, the fact that Banksy has $1 million in fake British currency in cardboard boxes in his loft blows my goddamned mind.

2. THE SOCIAL NETWORK – Again, what is left to be said? Aaron Sorkin is a God. David Fincher is a God. I can immediately understand why a person WOULDN’T like this film. But I hope that person can also immediately understand why I would have no interest in anything about them. Side note, as I want this in print: I’m picking Armie Hammer in the Superman derby. If it’s not him, I think they’ve made a mistake.

1. I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS – Yes, I realize this film was technically released last year, but the screener came THIS year, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s a film of 2010. And it’s the best film of 2010. I know the Academy and most “relevant” awards circuits have been ignoring the enormous talent of Jim Carrey for nigh on twenty years now, but he and Ewan McGregor do hero-level work in this movie. The film is funny and clever and dirty and sweet and heartbreaking and just full of unrelenting goodness and I was drawn into every scene of it. As a writer, I think the finest compliment you can give another writer(s) is to say that you wish YOU’D written their piece of material. Here, I’d take that a step further: I saw THE SOCIAL NETWORK this year, generally regarded as the academic height of screenwriting…and I’m jealous that I didn’t write I LOVE YOU, PHILLIP MORRIS.

As always, your slings and arrows are appreciated and considered, especially when you start attacking my inclusion of A-TEAM.

WATCH AS I STOP BEING A JACKASS FOR TEN SECONDS

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Allow me to take a few moments to do as I so very, very rarely do. That’s right: I’m going to be serious here. Or mostly so, anyway. Yes, OK, I will probably make a dick joke.

You know me too well.

I would be lying if I said anything other than that the last 4-6 weeks have been a swirling, twirling, nigh-overwhelming little adventure for me. That’s not complaining – it’s been a hell of a fun ride seeing my very first movie come together, and I’ve tried to take it all in as much as possible. You only get one first movie, right? Some people only get that one. If they’re lucky.

Most get none, though. And that’s been the point that’s been so hard for me to reconcile. I got one. I really, actually, literally, somehow got one. And until recently, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

The first time I realized what was actually happening was the day the first GOING THE DISTANCE poster popped up on the Internet. It kind of blew me away. For the first time – even after having watched the movie in various forms on a dozen occasions – and with all apologies to Martin Lawrence, shit got real. But not even remotely in the same way as when the first trailer showed up not long after. All of a sudden, people who weren’t my parents and who didn’t work on the film knew that it existed.

A movie really isn’t a movie until portions of it are served up to the public, a baby bird nudged out of its nest by its wary, ever-attentive creators. For me, it was thrilling and nerve-wracking to see it happen, and once it did…I become completely aware of something:

No matter what happened next, my all-time, hands down, best-case-scenario dream was going to come true. A movie that I wrote was going to be released into theaters for (conceivably) the entire universe to see. And you know what? That’s scary on such a profound level that I almost can’t understand it. It’s a feeling that I think would be indescribable to anyone, the sense that everything you ever wanted has fallen into your lap…and now what? It’s all downhill from here, isn’t it? It won’t ever be this good again, will it? Those questions tumbled over and over and over in my mind the last couple of weeks, threatening to stomp all over the last vestiges of sanity I felt I might be clinging to. And there’s only one thing in the whole wide world that I want to say to all of you for putting me in that position:

Thank You.

Thank You if you had ANY hand at all in getting this movie made and/or out to the masses. I know some could use this sentiment as an obligatory throwaway, but I appreciate the effort every single last person put into this production. I don’t care if you were a producer or the director or the lighting guy or the guy who sawed shit or the caterer or the travel coordinator or an assistant…I just won’t be able to adequately express my gratitude. Whether you were one of the main cogs or the grease that allowed the entire mechanism to rattle to life, I could never hope to repay you.

Thank You if you’re any of my family or friends who constantly ladled upon me your undying and unyielding support. This is how impossibly awesome the people in my life are: I have had so many calls, texts, emails and messages that I absolutely cannot even begin to think of responding to all of them. Again, that’s not even me complaining the slightest. Even though I feel terrible that I haven’t been able to get back to each and every one of you…what kind of lucky bastard EVER has something that great happen to him? The meaningfulness of such is completely incalculable and I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it as long as I live. Please know that if you sent me a word of encouragement, excitement or congratulations over the last few weeks, it has been received with a broad smile and a full heart, even if a reciprocated communiqué never precipitated.

I hear a lot of people who have “made it” talk about the hardships they faced, the people who didn’t believe in them, the assholes who spit in their face and told them they’d never make it, the roads that were blocked, the hardships they triumphed over. I don’t doubt that many of these stories are true. It’s just that I never had that experience. I never had anyone I love tell me that I couldn’t succeed. I never had anyone I cared about tell me I was an idiot for trying. I never had anyone who was important to me trying to knock me down.

If you ever want to get a look at the most fortunate guy in the entire world, come knock on my door someday.

Finally, Thank You if you go see this movie in a theater, or buy the DVD, or watch it on a plane, or catch half of it lazily on cable a year from now. Thank You for giving my little movie a chance. This has absolutely nothing to do with dollars and cents; if you saw it and hated it, hey, I’m not mad atcha. Thanks for giving it a look anyway. If you saw it and loved it, I’m glad I (and, obviously, everyone else who worked on the movie in any capacity) could bring a little extra light to your day. The goal of any artist in any medium – I don’t care what the cool kids say – is to get their work to be seen and then to be discussed. If we hit you in the breadbasket and you walked away with an emotional erection (there it is), I’m eternally giddy. If you walked away wanting your $10 back, I promise I’ll try to ensnare you the next time.

And so that dream, she’s come true. And it was over the last couple weeks that I mulled over what this meant, struggled with its implications, fought back the fear that found its way into my mind. And over the last couple days, I’ve realized that it’s this very kind of fear that is the perhaps the most inconsequential, mostly because I’d been looking at all that was going on around me in the wrong light. So here’s my final Thank You.

Thank You, all of you, for making me not only the Guy Whose Dream Came True, but also the Guy Who Now Has an Excuse to Make New Dreams.

Thank You for the best moment of my life.

MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF THE DECADE

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Since everyone else is doing it, I will too. A lot of people knock these lists, but I think that's idiotic. They're terribly wonderful conversation pieces, they make for great nostalgia and I think they say something important about the person writing them. Does anyone care what I have to say about this decade's moving images? I don't fucking care. Don't read it if you're not interested. This is my space and you're being a jerk, you jerk.

I'm sure I missed something here or there, but for the most part, this is complete. Take to note that this is NOT a "Best Of" list; it's lacking (what I'm guessing are or are going to be) common staples like the LORD OF THE RINGS movies and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and SPIDER-MAN. It's not that I didn't dig those movies - I did - but for one reason or another they're not my favorites. Still, I know most of you, and if you think I'm a moron for missing something, well 1) you're probably right, 2) you shouldn't hesitate to point out a glaring omission and 3) YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Also allow for movies I just didn't get around to seeing, this year being a really bad example of that (ZOMBIELAND, THE HURT LOCKER, etc).
Before we get into it, some superlatives:

WORST MOVIE OF THE DECADE

GEORGIA RULE - I saw this movie with one of my best friends who's IN the movie, and I still had to get up and walk out. In fact, it was so bad that about twenty minutes in, I leaned over and said, "As soon as I see you onscreen, I'm congratulating you and I'm fucking leaving." And I did. Everything from the top on down was bad, but the writing...oh my God. It's tough to even fathom what could have happened in the development process for the writing to be this bad. One of only two movies I've ever walked out on; the other one was ARACHNOPHOBIA, and that's because I was fucking scared out of my fucking mind. I thought I could handle it. I could not.

Onto more positive things:

MY FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT OF THE DECADE

While there was a lot of competition here, one moment stood to out to me over all the rest. Why this hit me so square I'm not sure, but I love it unconditionally.

In the movie THE LAST KISS, Zach Braff cheats on his fiancée with Rachel Bilson (probably because he's a thinking human). That causes her, understandably, to freak out, break up with him, and hole up in her parents' house. Zach goes to speak with her and ends up talking to Tom Wilkinson, who's playing her father. He asks Tom what he should do to get her back; Tom responds, "Whatever it takes."

Flash forward: as he's kicked out of the house, Zach decides to wait on the porch until his fiancée is ready to talk to him, let him apologize. He waits, literally, for days. One night, Tom drives by to check on the situation - he spots Zach slouched on the porch, leaned awkwardly up against the door, sleeping.

Tom looks at him, smiles triumphantly, and just drives away.

Writing about it, I've just found, is a total waste of time. But if you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about - it's a small, beautiful, note-perfect moment that continues to make me unspeakably happy every time I think about it.

FAVORITE LINE OF THE DECADE

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman." - THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS

THE BEST MOVIES OF THE DECADE THAT MOST OF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN

A couple of you might have seen a few of these, but for the most part, you've never even heard of most of them. Seriously, seek them out, because they're all terrific in their own way:

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION; SWIMMING POOL; THIRTEEN; THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES; PRIMER; THE MACHINIST; RORY O'SHEA WAS HERE; EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED; LONESOME JIM; TRUST THE MAN; RIDING ALONE FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES; SHORTBUS; THE LOOKOUT; EAGLE VS. SHARK; SUNSHINE; THE TEN; THE ORPHANAGE; SNOW ANGELS; THE FALL; ROCKNROLLA; LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

THE ALL-DECADE TOTALLY, MADDENINGLY, REALLY FUCKING UNDERRATED/UNDERAPPRECIATED LIST

People ignore, blow off or just plain don't requisitely appreciate these movies all the time, usually without having seen them first. Give them a shot - they're better than you think and/or don't get the respect they deserve:

BOILER ROOM; SAVING SILVERMAN; AI: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE; SERENDIPITY; HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES; SECONDHAND LIONS; INTOLERABLE CRUELTY; EUROTRIP; STARSKY AND HUTCH; DAWN OF THE DEAD (remake); HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE; SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW; NATIONAL TREASURE; THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY; KINGDOM OF HEAVEN; A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE; JUST FRIENDS; HOSTEL; THE LAST KISS; THE HOLIDAY; BREACH; ZODIAC; HAIRSPRAY; HOT ROD; STARDUST; DEFINITELY, MAYBE; LEATHERHEADS; GHOST TOWN; ROLE MODELS

KICK-ASS DOCUMENTARIES

Documentaries, like the films mentioned above, seem criminally underrated and unappreciated to me. If you've never really been into them, watch a couple of these and see if you aren't converted:

BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE; JACKASS: THE MOVIE (yes, I consider this a doc); SPELLBOUND; SUPER-SIZE ME; FAHRENHEIT 9/11; THE YES MEN; ENRON: THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM; THE CORPORATION; MURDERBALL; THE ARISTOCRATS; THE COMEDIANS OF COMEDY; THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED; JONESTOWN: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE; FUCK; SICKO; MY KID COULD PAINT THAT; AMERICAN TEEN; DEAR ZACHARY: A LETTER TO A SON ABOUT HIS FATHER; ANVIL! THE STORY OF ANVIL

THE "SO DAMN CLOSE" SUPER-HONORABLE MENTIONERS

These films were all in the running for the Top Twenty, but for one reason or another didn't crack it. Still, they're all fucking awesome, and I bet I could even add a few more to them:

UNBREAKABLE; MEMENTO; MADE; OLD SCHOOL; MONSTERS, INC.; ABOUT A BOY; SHAUN OF THE DEAD; SIN CITY; LAYER CAKE; ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW; WEDDING CRASHERS; THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN; LITTLE CHILDREN; THE FOUNTAIN; 300; ENCHANTED; KNOCKED UP; THE KING OF KONG; SUPERBAD; THIS CHRISTMAS; IRON MAN; WATCHMEN; ADVENTURELAND; INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS; UP IN THE AIR

MY TWENTY FAVORITE FILMS OF THE DECADE

20. ANCHORMAN (2004) - Will never forget seeing this for the first time, mostly because I cackled so hard and so often that my stomach and my throat hurt like hell upon leaving. Didn't think I would ever laugh that hard again...and then BORAT came along. All the same, ANCHORMAN was lightning in a bottle and has a rewatchability factor that BORAT doesn't quite muster. Possibly the most quotable movie of the decade to boot.

19. JESUS CAMP (2006) - My favorite documentary of the decade by a country mile, it more or less puts the disgusting backstage of organized religion on a platter and serves it up as a perfect example of everything I hate about the world. Most sickening: the outright (and comically conceited) way in which Evangelical Christian leaders indoctrinate - and often flat-out brainwash - impressionable kids into not just a religious mindset, but a connected POLITICAL ideology. You want a look at what's REALLY wrong with America? Watch JESUS CAMP.

18. THE DEPARTED (2006) - The quintessential "if it's on TV, I'm stopping whatever I'm doing to watch it" movie. Enough has been said about it, so I'll just keep it simple: it's fucking brilliant.

17. MEAN GIRLS (2004) - If it didn't land in the Top Twenty, it would have been at the head of the Underappreciated list. Tina Fey is a certified comic guru, and people have quickly forgotten that Lindsay Lohan used to be 1) really goddamn hot and 2) a pretty decent actress. The supporting characters really make this one - especially Tim Meadows, delivering every line with the dryness of midsummer California brush - and the humor is so smart that it almost makes me want to give up writing for fear that I'll never compare. That's what they call "healthy" jealousy.

16. BEST IN SHOW (2000) - Shares with THE OFFICE (the British version) the distinction of being the best example of mockumentary from head to foot. It is easily, I think, the best ensemble cast of the entire decade...which makes it so interesting that none of the efforts following it (A MIGHTY WIND, FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION) were nearly as good. Or maybe it just seemed that way since this was more or less perfect. Positively contains the best Fred Willard role ever, and that's saying something.

15. GLADIATOR (2000) - Don't think I was ever as excited to see a movie in theaters as I was to see this one...and holy Christ, did it ever come through. People love to retroactively crap on this since it won the Oscar for Best Picture and because they were disappointed to find out that Russell Crowe is a dick, but people are fucking stupid. Let me put it this way: I would gladly and immediately follow Maximus Decimus Meridius into battle, and I am a huge pussy.

14. IN BRUGES (2008) - Kind of a polarizing movie in that people who loved it really seemed to love it, and people who hated it wanted to kill those of us who loved it. I loved it. I thought the script was smart as hell and very well stylized, I thought Colin Farrell gave unquestionably his best performance ever, and it hit me with just enough twists and sucker-punches that I felt as though I was constantly reeling. Plus it features the most poetic, most gut-wrenchingly wonderful usage of one of my favorite songs, ON RAGLAN ROAD, that will likely ever be.

13. THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS (2001) - I'm a sucker for movies about family, and this is one of the best of those kind ever. Ever - and that's incredibly hard to pull off. You've got movies like this and THIS CHRISTMAS that really nail it; you've got movies that only get there halfway before pandering to the audience and crapping out with schmaltz (THE FAMILY STONE); and then you've got total crap (Tyler Perry). It makes me sad that this is Wes Anderson's best film so far, but I'm just glad it exists at all because it's amazing - funny, heartbreaking, and heartbreakingly funny.

12. (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (2009) - This year's only entry into the Top Twenty, but I think that's a factor of how incredible the early parts of the decade were rather than a sign of how lackluster the end has been. Speaking of being a sucker, I'm one again for movies that have something different to say about love or that find a different way to say it. The inability to do so is why most Romantic Comedies suck such a fat dick. This movie suffers from none of that. It's darkly funny and deceptively sweet and it thankfully manages something most "indie" movies can't: it allows for a quirky, interesting and appropriate soundtrack that ISN'T TRYING SO FUCKING HARD. If this doesn't win Best Original Screenplay this year I will start a riot and there will be murders.

11. OLDBOY (2003) - Outside of THE SIXTH SENSE and THE WICKER MAN (the original, please), perhaps the most shocking and wrongfully-satisfying ending of all time. Beyond that, I don't know how to express to you just how many asses this thing kicks without even trying or how many individual scenes you can discuss at length after seeing it; the hallway fight is the decade's best action sequence, hands down. It's mind-boggling in its technical and narrative mastery and is just a cinematic triumph. This is one of those movies that I will force someone to sit down and watch if they haven't seen it, which is just about everyone.

10. GREEN STREET HOOLIGANS (2005) - How this never got a wider release than 12.5 screens is the biggest mystery in the world to me, but suffice to say that I think someone made a big goddamned mistake in selling this one short. How great is a movie when it makes you want to walk straight out the doors and fight someone? How great is any movie that TURNS ELIJAH WOOD INTO A BADASS? Great commentary on loyalty, the idea of what "family" really is, and what it's like to be young and stupid before you realize you don't want to be old and stupid.

9. O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? (2000) - As Coen Brothers fans go, I'm probably a bad one. I'm a much bigger supporter of the movies their "real" fans seem to ignore, like this one. It's far and away my favorite of theirs. Really, it's not even close, and here's the reason: if you can find a way to make me love a musical, you are a magician. Plain and simple. This is not only my favorite Coen Brothers movie, but my favorite musical of all time, save perhaps for THE WIZARD OF OZ, which I don't really put in the "musical" category. Also, I find it most visually appealing. Still listen to the soundtrack all the time. Near-perfect, this one.

8. ALMOST FAMOUS (2000) - The first of two Cameron Crowe movies on this list, and if you know me, that shouldn't be a surprise in the slightest. Here's the thing about this one: the era of music this is predicated upon? Maybe my least favorite ever. I've never been into "Classic Rock", and I think most of the music of the 70s could disappear and I'd be more than OK. But when it comes to this movie...well, I'm actually sad that Stillwater wasn't a real band and that FEVER DOG isn't a real song. This movie also sparked the beginning of what is probably my #1 Mancrush of All Time, Billy Crudup. Am I jealous of his mustache? You're goddamned right I am.

7. HIGH FIDELITY (2000) - Um, is it just me or was the Year 2000 the best year for movies, like, in history? If you can adapt a Nick Hornby novel, the chances are that I'm going to attach to it like herpes to Tiger Woods. Again, it's a movie STEEPED in Classic Rock, and again I don't care. You gotta love Cusack. Breakout role for Jack Black. Catherine Zeta-Jones at her peak hotness. Classic writing. What else is there? Here's a sentiment: I rented this movie from Blockbuster (back when people still did that) and refused to give it back. Truth.

6. ONCE (2006) - I'll make you a guarantee: I could give you 17 days and $150,000 and there's no way in hell that you're going to make anything even remotely as wonderful as this. As far as I'm concerned, this is the standard to which all other indie movies should be judged. It's the benchmark. And then you have to consider that not only was it one of the best movies of the decade, but that it produced the two best movie SONGS of the decade in FALLING SLOWLY and SAY IT TO ME NOW (even though the latter was recorded years earlier by Glen Hansard's band The Frames). That's an accomplishment, kids. Take notes.

5. AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000) - Yeah, Christian Bale will always be known as Batman, but he'll never do anything better than Bateman - Patrick Bateman, that is. There is not a guy in the world - NOT A GUY IN THE WORLD - that doesn't want to pull off "The American Psycho": fucking a girl doggie style while you look on in a floor-length mirror and flex. Totally nailed the material aesthetic of the 80s and celebrated the genius of Phil Collins. This movie makes me bubble with more pure glee than perhaps anything that's not THE PRINCESS BRIDE. And yes, that puts AMERICAN PSYCHO and THE PRINCESS BRIDE in a shared category. I'm that awesome.

4. SNATCH (2000) - If this movie had nothing else, it has the only thing that matters: One-Punch Mickey the Pikey. You could call Brad Pitt's turn in 12 MONKEYS a great role, but he'll never do anything better than the Character of the Decade. Past that, I'm beyond impressed with Guy Ritchie's seemingly effortless ability to perfectly connect multiple complex characters and storylines. He also writes some of the best one-liners in the business. One of those movies that just makes me smile from beginning to end without fail. There's nothing about it that I don't like, and again, that's powered by one hell of an ensemble cast.

3. VANILLA SKY (2001) - One of my favorite things in the world is telling film snobs that I love this movie, only to have them roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, well why don't you see ABRE LOS OJOS," only to have me tell them that I have indeed seen it and that I don't think it's anywhere nearly as good as Cameron's Crowe's remake. Fact: I do NOT know a lot of people that like this movie. They either found it too long or too weird or too confusing or they just didn't like it. To each their own, but I always feel like I saw a different movie than everyone else. I find it sentimental in the best and most chilling way and I think that Tom Cruise, from here on out, should only be able to work with Cameron. This movie is one of those that I do think has faults, but the high points are so elevated and lovely that they render them innocuous.

2. LOVE, ACTUALLY (2003) - Richard Curtis might be my favorite writer working today, and I think this movie is absolutely perfectly conceived and executed from beginning to end. While it doesn't say much about love that's NEW, it takes the concept and lays it out brilliantly and in such a way that there's no misunderstanding the power of the most basic - and ultimately, sometimes the most fleeting - human connection. It SHOULD be simply the most-loved-girl-movie ever, but it's way, way more than that. Even if you were dumb enough to ignore the writing, the terrific cast, the spot-on observations and the fact that it makes you feel part of a London Christmas even if you've never been there, you can't possibly stay dry-eyed at the real-life footage of people happily, tearfully greeting loved ones at the airport. Such a bookend is a perfect example of the small details that make this not only one of my favorites of the decade, but of all time.

1. ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004) - It's pretty much established that Charlie Kauffman is an uncommon genius, but I don't think there's a word to describe the level of particular originality that went into this script. I've spoken about it several times, but no one ever comes up with a new look at love anymore. Ever. It's not like there's fault - it's been written about and played about and talked about and ruminated about so often by everyone on the planet that there are simply no new ideas out there...until there are. There's not a one of us that hasn't secretly (or not-so-secretly) lamented the fact that we can't have a certain someone and all their vestiges scrubbed from our brain. But what if you could try? That's the simple premise to a complicated movie that unfolds in a manner that just makes you ache. It's a grief-stricken, it's haunting and it's beautiful. Jim Carrey gives a performance that is nothing short of staggering, Michel Gondry shot a film that uniquely toes the line between surreal and all-too-real, and Charlie Kauffman gives us a story that's at the same time ludicrous and so, so true. It's nothing short of a masterpiece in showing us that there's really no way to ever completely rid yourself of someone you were close to...and maybe, at the end of the day, that's a good thing.



So there it is. Now you have the rest of the year to think about how to tell me just how wrong I am.

THE ANALYZING YEARBOOKS SERIES: NINTH GRADE

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NINTH GRADE – 1995 – Mechanicsburg Area Senior High

Fact: You are currently thinking, “Wait a second…what happened to Seventh Grade?” The funny thing is…good fucking question, because I’d like to know myself. As it stands, the yearbook from Seventh Grade is missing, dust in the wind at this particular moment. I can’t even speak as to how disappointing this is considering that this was the year Erin Cochran straight-up broke my heart, causing me to consider blowing my brains out (the seventh grade equivalent of which was locking myself in my room on a Friday night, turning the lights off, staring at the ceiling, and fast-forwarding/rewinding between I’D DIE WITHOUT YOU by PM Dawn and END OF THE ROAD by Boyz II Men on the BOOMERANG soundtrack on my Walkman for four hours.). So that’s a loss for everyone.

Now that that’s cleared up, you’re likely wondering, “OK…well, wait a second…what happened to Eighth Grade?” That, luckily, I have an answer for, and I was amazed how quickly I was able to recall the circumstances, which means I have enough brain cells left to keep drinking!

That yearbook is devoid of any inscription. Suffice to say 1994 was one of myriad years that Central Pennsylvania was beset by a massive blizzard in the month of March. This particular year’s was so severe that we actually missed close to two weeks of school. That fucked our yearbook deadlines (which I should know, having been on the staff…and yes, I’m currently breathing on my fingernails and buffing them on my shirt as if this were 1954 and I were an asshole), and when those deadlines went to pasture, so did any chances of getting our yearbooks by the time the school year ended. Thus, the books were delivered to our homes a couple of days after summer vacation started. And no douche would try to cart his yearbook around with him in the post-academic calendar just to collect his classmates’ ruminations.

Not that I would know anything about that douche. At all.

That brings us to the Ninth Grade Yearbook, where…yeah, you’re going to notice a lot of references to “DQ”. Because my first job was at Dairy Queen. Which was the fucking place to work back then, I might add. You’ll also notice the incredible number of references to my bad jokes; those of you that know me now will have your suspicions confirmed: I have not changed remotely since the age of 15.

The entries:

--“Hey Geoff! Art is my favorite class. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. Keep cooking! – Dave” (I literally have no frame of reference for this, don't know how cooking relates to art, and it scares me enough that I’m actually afraid to look through the pictures to find out which ‘Dave’ this was. That was fourteen ‘Ha’s’. ‘Dave’ was not fucking around.)

--“Geoff, [g-off] to a nice guy in my american studies class who i picked on – just kidding – you’re cool but you need to help pick on PO Sanker more well see ya next year. 697-XXXX Tara Kerstetter” (Tara was ahead of her time in a couple of ways. One, she eschewed both proper capitalization and punctuation, obviously indicating that she was a visionary who foresaw how Instant Messenging discourse would be developed years later. Two, she was the first girl to ever write her phone number in my yearbook; a girl giving her number to a ninth grade boy sets off something not unlike a parade in that boy’s pants, so it’s a big deal. Three, during one lunch period that year she got in a fight with a girl named Maureen O’Donnell. The scrap was broken up only after each girl had slapped the other, pulled hair, and torn the other's shirt. As I recall, Tara not only ripped clean through to annihilate Maureen’s bra but showed up in the aforementioned American Studies class later that afternoon with a clump of Maureen’s hair in her pocket. Four, she looked like Sydney from MELROSE PLACE, which was not a bad thing until Brian Kirsch started calling her “Sydney” every day until it became nomenclature leprosy. In any event, she won all over the place, so…take a bow, Kerstetter. Take a bow.)

--“Geoff, Hopefully we will have better luck with lunch next year. I’m glad you were in some of my classes & I got to know you better. Have a great summer! – Laura Vassey” (No one is going to fucking believe this, but I was one of a couple ninth graders who was moved a course ahead in math Freshman Year. That’s right, the guy who sometimes forgets how to use a calculator and can’t keep track of the points in a Horseballs game because he can’t add skipped a year in math. I’m as puzzled as you are. Anyway, because of when our Geometry…or was it Algebra II…FUCK I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE CLASS!...was scheduled, like nine Freshmen, myself included, got stuck in Senior lunch. It was…less than fun. There was a kid named Raj who tried every goddamned day to give us Swirlies – what some of you might call “Bowling” or “The Boosh”. I’m having flashbacks. On an unrelated note, Laura and I both ended up at James Madison where we managed to ignore each other for over four years. Based on the obvious love inherent in her message to me, I’m sure that's a shocking revelation.)

--“Geoff, Before I started working at DQ, Barb warned me of a few people. Nic you can imagine was one of them. And she said, ‘Geoff, he’s a human hormone!’ But you’re a great guy a very funny. And by the way Barb was just kidding. You’re a great blizzard maker but I get the feeling you don’t really like drive thru, huh? Anyway I’ll wish you luck for the rest of the year and see you at DQ. – Becky” (So much going on in this one. While I have to admit that I don’t remember Becky just from this entry, that blabbermouth cunt Barb apparently cost me any shot of wooing her by declaring me a walking gland before I ever got the chance to make a first impression. And poor Nic…how bad is it that he’s the “obvious” one to get warned about when I was allegedly a sexual harasser who couldn’t wait to rub my crotch against the first thing that walked past me? I think we can assume that Nic either ended up in jail, dead by his own hand, or tragically, perpetually misunderstood. Fucking Barb.)

--“Geoff, I don’t know which is better, our deaf science teacher and his piece of s**t labs, or Laura Leedy wondering what the 7a corporation was. Oh well, maybe next year will be better. – Brian S.” (Brian was referring to Rock Martin, our Freshman Year science teacher who was indeed deaf and who was absolutely REVILED at Mechanicsburg Area High School. I didn’t think he was THAT bad, but he was sort of an old, cantankerous dick, and he WAS deaf as shit. Still, the stories people told about him…you would think he was a Nazi that went around assaulting the town’s grandmothers with a barbed dildo. He was just cranky. None of us understood why he had the reputation of Frankenstein’s Monster, but whatever. Also, is there a more ubiquitous Yearbook Standard than “Maybe next year will be better”? I think it’s right up there with, “Have a great summer” and “KIT”. Also, Laura Leedy is going to make an ominous comeback in a bit. Get ready for that.)

--“Geoff, Hola! Hope to see you at Dairy Queen again, soon. Have a terrific summer. Hasta Luego! – Bill Smith” (Apparently, Bill and I had Freshmen Spanish together and he was really fucking excited about it. In fact, he was so into the language that he actually put the upside-down exclamation points in front of both “Hola” and “Hasta Luego”. Also, it’s 2009 and I don’t fucking know how to recreate such a punctuation mark on my fucking supercomputer that’s fifty times smarter than I am. Bill went the extra mile on this too – on the inside front cover and the page next to it, there were silhouettes of faces. Bill drew a smoking joint in the mouth of one of them. That was probably his “thing” that year, his “theme”. Almost everyone had a Yearbook Theme; mine that year, I believe, was writing “Never pet a burning dog” in everyone’s yearbook, regardless of how much I liked/disliked them. I’m an absolute champion of diplomacy.)

--“LaTulippe, What a great name! I love it!! Meeting you at the DQ was fun. You great (yeah – right) jokes really made work more interesting. You’re a nice guy even if you are a freshman. Ha-Ha! Good luck next year and I know I’ll see you at work. – Barb” (Fuck off, Barb.)

--“Geoff, I’m glad I got to meet you this year. Have a great summer, see you next year. – Ryan Mackey” (OK, this one just isn’t fair. Ryan was a super nice kid, and one of the fellow Senior Lunch Freshman who lived under a blanket of constant fear thanks to Raj – more than myself, even, because he was the only other guy in the group and smaller than I was. There’s probably a whole breadth and depth to Mackey that I just never got to find out about, and this was fourteen-Christ-on-a-stick years ago, so I’m sure he’s fantastically interesting now. But I’ll just say this: in ninth grade, as a Freshman, he had a flattop haircut. He graduated as a Senior with the same flattop haircut. You draw your own conclusions.)

--“Geoff – Even though you sometimes piss me off, I guess I’m glad you were in my lunch & some of my classes. I hope you have a good summer & a normal lunch next year. – Amy” (First, a note: this was written around the page edges and the face of the opposite silhouette to Bill Smith’s stoner, which means Amy thought she was pretty fucking clever. Proceeding: I believe this was the infamous Amy Behel, the longtime middle school obsession of my best friend, Matt Martin. Mostly I was just going along with Matt, but this is another girl whom I’m sure knew that we were constantly looking down her shirt being that she was one of the first to “develop”, constantly wore open-necked garments, and didn’t ask questions when we flat-out refused to make eye contact with her towards the end of every class. Amy, you’ll be happy to know that not only are you not alone, but I have not since stopped pissing off the ladies. Or looking down their shirts. Perhaps it’s because of this that I’ve yet to touch a female breast. Let’s move on.)

--“Jeff, History was fun this year. Even though we went through how many teachers. It was fun having to put up with Sanker, Rowe, Kuhns and you (yeah right). Even though you hate me and I know you don’t want me to work at DQ. O well you’ll just have to put up with me. I’ll try not to be as annoying. Have a great summer. Good luck in all that you do. And try not to hate me. See-ya later. PS – Don’t take after Sanker and cut yourself while shaving your forehead (EDITOR’S NOTE: There is a cartoon drawing of a band-aid here.) – Laura “Laura” Leedy” (OK, this one nearly broke my fucking head on several different levels. First of all, there’s no way I disliked this poor girl nearly as much as she seems to have thought I did. In fact, she was really cute; she had that crimped, short blonde hair – like Madonna in her heyday – and back then I was WAY into that look in a girl. So I must have just been as much of a sonofabitch then as I am now. Second, we worked together, and I guess I was a sexual predator within the DQ walls, so I can only assume that I was working my newly pubescent musk…but I guess a burgeoning felon will go after anyone whether he really “likes” them or not. Third, she signed her name “Laura ‘Laura’ Leedy”, which doesn’t make any sense, so maybe I didn’t exactly think she was the greatest person ever. Fourth, you remember those pens that were really big, and like four pens in one, and you had black, blue, red and green ink at your disposal? Well Laura apparently had a goddamned aircraft carrier full of them at home, because she used one for this entry and actually bothered to ALTERNATE COLORS EVERY LINE. So maybe there was a reason to loathe this poor girl. Fifth, are you fucking kidding me about the quadracolor pen?)

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Just a warning: this next one is something of a book.)

--“Geoff – You’re my favorite freshman. Don’t ever forget that! It has been fun at the DQ & you know you will seriously miss all of my exciting love stories. Thanks for being such a great listener & for keeping that long secret of my marriage. I owe you one. Call me anytime for a ride. You know I’d be more than glad to give ya one – considered all you’ve done for me. I always looked forward to going to work when you’d be there to make me laugh or so I could update you on Paul. I really do appreciate you being the great friend that you are. You better not forget about me! EVER! I’ll come visit you only if you come visit me. Deal? Well – never forget all of our wonderful memories – there will be more to come just keep your seat belt fastened. You can hardly read this – sorry (EDITOR’S NOTE: The previous was to denote that she had run out of space on the white part of the paper and begun writing in the heather blue space. And she was correct – it is almost fucking impossible to read the writing there. I’m squinting like a goddamned moron as I transcribe this.)! I’ll talk to ya soon, I’m sure. We’re going out this summer. Call me 766-XXXX Love ya always, Kara – Good luck with the girls and all that ya do!” (I mean…I hate to make fun of such a nice effort, but holy shit, the girl must have thought I was going off to war or something. Kara, though, was great – she had one of the best bodies in the history of high school girl bodies AND, in a fact that may sway me as per the belief of a God in Heaven, she worked as a lifeguard at the Mechanicsburg pool. Later, she babysat my brothers, and I was usually so intimidated by her presence in my home that I refused to look directly at her and almost always left the house in a sprint once she arrived, more than likely to masturbate furiously somewhere in the shadows of the forest. Apparently at the DQ, though, I was no longer Geoff LaTulippe, Freshman Avoider, but Geoff LaTulippe, Best De-facto Gay Friend who listened to her stories about her older boyfriend Paul. Paul was described one day by our coworker Doug as “human slime”, and I really have nothing else to add to such an accurate statement. All that said, I have a feeling that most of you are laughing at the whole “you can call me for a ride whenever you want” section, as it proves that nothing ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever fucking changes.)

--“Geoff, I hope we’re in some classes together next year so you can tell me confusing jokes. Most of them are pretty dumb but they keep me busy during the boring hour of history oh well. Have a great summer and fun at DQ! Andrea, Jen and I will come visit you! Love ya, Kim – PS Good luck with the girls!” (I cannot for the life of me figure out who this “Kim” is – much less “Andrea” or “Jen” – and I’m struggling to comprehend why someone who was so obviously, terminally bored with me and my entire existence would bother to sign my yearbook. Also, how bad off was I that fucking everyone had to wish me good luck with the girls? Goddamnit. Evidently not one of those wishes was made with any kind of sincerity because I’m still fucking struggling.)

--“Geoff, You’re a good friend and a good lab partner but I am a better one. You were so lucky to have me for your lab partner & in your English class. Even though you talked a lot we still had a lot of fun. I do have big muscles. Have a good summer – Kate Gardner” (Three things we can learn from this entry: 1) Kate was jacked to the point where she could kick the shit out of me; 2) This made her conceited; 3) She was not only projecting but probably hiding her feelings in plain sight and desperately wanted to give me a handy under the bleachers. If she’d only known what a juvenile pederast I was, we could have had a pregnant ninth grader that year.

Fucking Barb.)

--“Geoff, I shouldn’t even be writing in your yearbook after what you wrote in my yearbook. But I will anyway because I’m (EDITOR'S NOTE: The next word here is illegible. Is it "amable"? I don't know. Just baffling.). Maybe I’ll see you over the summer. Maybe I won’t. But I can’t really talk about it. Lauren K. – PS Your jokes suck.” (Before I do anything else, I’d like to thank Janeane Garofalo for making an appearance in my yearbook under an assumed name. I loved you in BIG TROUBLE. But getting down to brass tacks: “Lauren K.”, please run, find your yearbook, and let me know what it was that I wrote in yours. I’m on pins and needles.)

--“Geoff, I’m sorry it take me a while to get your jokes but don’t take it personally because I don’t get anyone’s jokes Chris Gabela” (Chris is currently living in West Virginia and is in charge of operating a label maker that is dangerously low on battery power.)

--“Hi, DQ! (EDITOR’S NOTE: The name ‘Nikki’ is inexplicably written beneath this, even though it appears once again at the bottom of the entry. I’m left confused.) Well, what can I say (EDITOR’S NOTE: Your name twice, apparently. OK, sorry…)? U won’t tell me what to say so I’ll just say run forrest run (Lauren told me that) I never started it. I need stitches U R a good artist I know this ‘cause U R in my art class. I hope you have a good summer at DQ. – Nikki” (I’ve…I’ve got nothing. I don’t remember a Nikki and I have literally no clue what any of that is supposed to mean. Perhaps it bears mentioning that this entry was written upside-down on the page and that we had a large special education program at MASH.)

--“Geoff, You are a good friend. Thanx for all your interesting stories (mace at work), and hilarious jokes at lunch (especially the ones that your brother told). You’re nice, you’re funny, and gosh darn it people like you! – Judy Kim” (Reading this particular entry set off a lightbulb for me, and I’m pretty goddamned excited to share the revelation with you. Judy wrote me what appears to be a sincere expression of friendship, she was clearly the only person in my airspace who found me amusing, and she quoted an obscure SNL character to end her thoughts. Ladies and gentlemen…welcome to the moment my obsession with Asian woman was unearthed! Judy Kim, I have a LOT to thank you for.)

--“Geoff, Well its been fun working with you at Dairy Queen. I remember when I first came in here, you were the first person I met. You use to order me around…I still hate you for it. Just Kidding! Anyway, thanks for teaching me the ways. If you ever need a ride anywhere give me a call (considering you’ll never get yours)→ (license). Thank god this year is almost over. Next year I’ll be a big SENIOR . Don’t worry, I won’t push you around too much. Ha! Well, have a great summer and stay out of trouble (I won’t Ha!). Love always, Sarah J.” (Along with Kara and Lindsay Bollinger – who is still cute as hell but married and whom I ran into over Xmas at a bar in Harrisburg and like an idiot didn’t immediately remember and Jesus Fucking Christ I am never going to have even the most basic skills to ever procreate with a real woman – Sarah was one of the three Hot Older Girls from MASH that I worked with at Dairy Queen. However, all due respect to the other two ladies…Sarah was our “It” girl. She WAS our Kelly Kapowski in the best possible way, so you can imagine how overwhelmed I was that the girl even bothered to talk to me. Which is probably why I’m only now reading her entry as it was truly written, with a definite mental undercurrent of, “Oh my God, I have to deal with this kid again? Motherfucker is lucky I’m too nice to not sign his goddamn fucking yearbook. ‘…When I first came here,’ bullshit bullshit bullshit, ‘…year is almost over,’, bullshit bullshit. Remember to tell him he can call but don’t give him the number…check. Smile Sarah, smile…hand it back…pleasewalkawaypleasewalkawaypleasewalk…FUCK! Why are you still standing here? He’s going to ask me to give him a ride to ano…MOTHERFUCK.” I mean, damn, looking back on it…THAT IS AWESOME. Sarah signed my yearbook. Fuck the rest of you peons, I win.)

God, this is fun. The next feather in the cap of this series begins my adventures at Cedar Cliff High School…

THE ANALYZING YEARBOOKS SERIES: SIXTH GRADE

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Alright, so…I was seriously in need of a fucking pick-me-up today, and I’m not nearly ready to write anything about John Hughes yet, so I figured it was the right time to crack open some newly-shipped boxes and drag out my yearbooks from grades 6 -12.

Rather than just talk about the yearbooks or their innate content, though, I felt like analyzing the things that people wrote inside them. If you think about it, your yearbook is basically like a Comments section on an Internet article that’s all about you. In other words, it’s the tangible, visceral version of three insightful, entertaining responses surrounded by total fucking idiocy, a couple errant advertisements, and one asshole who just writes “FIRST!” (which, in the yearbook world, equates to, “Cows go moo, ducks go quack, I was the first to sign your crack.”).

Allow me to say this: this is one of the best things I have ever done in my life. These have been locked in closet at my dad’s office since I graduated college over seven (holy crap) years ago, and God knows how long it was that I went through them before that. If this doesn’t knock you back, I don’t know what will. So here we go: the thoughts and dreams of my peers of anywhere from eleven (Jesus Christ) to seventeen (fuck my life) years ago. All misspellings, punctuation and grammar will be kept as-is for posterity.

And the answer to your question is yes – I have indeed sent upwards of 743 Facebook Friend Requests since earlier tonight.

SIXTH GRADE – 1992 – Mechanicsburg Area Intermediate School

Fact: I was the LAST person to get my yearbook this year due to a clerical mixup, so there’s not a lot here, as everyone was obviously tired of signing shit at the point I approached them. Also, it seems as though the sixth grade versions of ourselves merely wanted to scrawl down our names and nothing else. And apparently we learned to scrawl said names with those fat, retard-sized Crayolas because all the signatures look like hell.

--“Jeff, have fun over the summer with someone! like a girl” – Gabe Staub (I’m relatively sure that neither myself nor Gabe would have had the first clue how to have fun with a girl in any meaningful way over that summer, but clearly the kid was ahead of the curve in motivation.)

--“This year was so awesome it’s not funny! We had the best time with Mr. Marsh, we talked him into everything! Have an awesome summer! – Steve! (Mr. Marsh is still, to this day, my favorite teacher ever. I don’t exactly remember what we talked him into, but apparently it was worth some fucking exclamation.)

--“Geoff – Are you trying to hit it off with Katie (EDITOR’S NOTE: I took occasion to write directly next to this ‘Nope,’ which confirms that I was, indeed, trying to hit it off with Katie. Well played, Sixth Grade Geoff.)? Anyway, have a great summer, but your a total pain, but your not that bad looking. PS – Tell Steve cool act! – Briana!” (As the years roll on, I find that there are fewer and fewer references to my good looks in these musings. Draw your own conclusions. Also, the “cool act” refers to the end of the year Talent Show where Steve Martin and I did a lip-synch to JUMP by Kriss Kross. Don’t hate.)

--“Geoff, Have a great summer! Good luck next year! It’s been a fun year with you in my class! – Shannon” (This is written in PERFECT tween girl cursive. Shannon obviously spent her year perfecting this, refusing to worry about what she’d write in people’s yearbooks and absolutely not giving a shit about me.)

--“Geof, You’re the BEST! Good luck with the girls you’re a total babe! – Katie” (This is the infamous Katie that Briana mentioned above. You can tell by the CAPS and the exclamation points that she’s fighting off some seriously repressed, latent pre-sexual angst. The present-day equivalent to sixth grade Geoff LaTulippe and Katie Fuchs are Harry and Sally, the best friends who fight with each other but absolutely refuse to fuck out of mutual hate/admiration/principle/lack of puberty. To Katie’s credit, though…even if she couldn’t spell my goddamned name, she let me look down her bathing suit every day at the Mechanicsburg pool for three summers. I know she knew I was looking. She knew I knew she knew I was looking. On the plus side, I became a master at hiding erections while shirtless, an awesome skill rendered useless to this day because my fledgling penis hasn’t grown since I was twelve. I miss those days, Fuchs.)

--“Geoff, To a nice friend, have a nice summer. – TJ Larkin” (That was nice.)

--“Have a great summer! (PS my little sister thinks your cute) – Susan” (My first thought after reading this: “I wonder which Susan this was and if her sister still likes me.” Do I need professional help? I don’t not.)

--“Geoff, Have a great summer. See you next year! – Shawn Minnich (How Shawn and Shannon never got together is question worthy of its own UNSOLVED MYSTERIES episode.)

--“Have a kick ass summer – Sam” (I wish I could scan this so you could see how it was written – each word was written above and to the right of the word that came before it and the sentence floats across half a page. It should come as no surprise to anyone that Sam was the kid in sixth grade who everyone described as “probably on drugs” before we even knew what that looked like.)

--“Steve get some women this summer! – Wes Reohr” (This was a confusing time for Wes.)

--“Geoff, To a guy I have no idea who he is But Have a great summer. Love, Kerrie” (Naturally, this was written to me by the girl who I fawned over all fucking year. She really, honestly had no clue who I was, and I probably pissed myself a little bit just asking her to sign my book. Eventually, though, we did get to know each other. The summer after this, she took pity on me and, laughing, attempted to French kiss me in the Rakestraw’s parking lot. I was so terrified I never opened my teeth and just barely managed to not come in my Umbros.)

That was fun. On to Seventh Grade…

GIVE IT UP, CHRISTIANS: THE ISSUE OF SCHOOL PRAYER

Alright, so I'm not much for religiosity. And if you know me, you know I don't mind telling people that. I don't mind talking about it. I don't mind engaging people who are curious about it or who want to "get me saved" because of it. The conversations often don't last long when they discover that, almost universally, I know more about the history and mechanisms of their chosen religions than they do. It's a gift.

And yet people still attempt to sway me. The attempt at the sway usually isn't so much centered around converting me to one particular religion, though when that happens it's always Evangelical Christianity. Evangelical Christians seem the world over to be the only people who - like a bad infomercial - won't be content until everyone is herded into buying their system. More, though, it comes in the form of trying to convince me that they're in some kind of misunderstood, persecuted, maligned little group that just wants to be left alone to do their own thing. Of course, if that were the case, I wouldn't be bothered to write what you're (hopefully) about to read.

A Christian friend with whom I've had an ongoing debate over the years just recently forwarded a version of the below essay to me. I did a little research on what I was sent and found that it had been a little bit edited and attributed to the wrong author, someone named Paul Harvey. I don't have a clue who Paul Harvey is, but the following was written by a sporstwriter for a Teas newspaper named Nick Gholson and is intended to be a defense for prayer in schools:

"Some people, it seems, get offended way too easily. I mean, isn't that what all this prayer hullabaloo is all about - people getting offended? At least that's what I hear the courts and the ACLU telling us. If you read Sound Off, you know I am not easily offended. Outside of getting run off the road by a Mack truck, nothing much offends me. Daddy and Mama gave little Nicky a sense of humor.

Some people, however, either weren't born with a sense of humor or they lost it in a crap game. These people are still in the minority, but those of us in the majority are always tippy-toeing around, trying to make sure we don't step on the toes or hurt the feelings of the sense of humorless. And you can bet there's a lawyer standing on every corner making sure we don't.

Take this prayer deal. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Some atheist goes to a high school football game, hears a kid say a short prayer before the game and gets offended. So he hires a lawyer and goes to court and asks somebody to pay him a whole bunch of money for all the damage done to him. You would have thought the kid kicked him in the crotch. Damaged for life by a 30-second prayer? Am I missing something here? I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution. Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal?

It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game. ‘But it's a Christian prayer,’ some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect - somebody chanting Hare Krishna? If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer. If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. If I went to a ping-pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome . . .

‘But what about the atheists?’ is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of earplugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer. Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do.

I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations. Nor do I believe that not praying will result in more serious injuries on the field or more fatal car crashes after the game. In fact, I'm not so sure God would even be at all these games if he didn't have to be. That's just one of the down sides of omnipresence. Do you think God Almighty himself would have watched Spearman beat Panhandle 50-0 Friday night if he didn't have to? If God really liked sports, the Russians would never have won a single gold medal, New York would never play in a World Series and Deion's toe would be healed by now.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us.

And if that last sentence offends you - well, just sue me."

Now I'm not going to comment very much on the specifics of Nick's article. I wasn't around for the 1999 football game Nick was talking about, and taking on most of his patently absurd points would be like trying to teach string theory to a retarded kid. To Nick, I'll only say this: thanks for sharing your opinion. Now stick to sports, because you're a daft fucking idiot when it comes to this issue.

Rather, I'd like to tackle the overall sentiment in the piece, especially since I got a laugh when my friend presented this to me in sort of a "Oh YEAH - take that, sucker!" type of moment, as if this statement nicely presented Christian opinion on the matter of prayer in school. If that's the case...you Christians up in arms over the matter are even less intelligent and aware than I've been giving you credit for. And I really haven't been giving you much credit at all.

OK, I'm going to say something, Christians, and this is going to come as a SEVERE shock to your delicate little systems, so please brace yourselves: no one wants to take away your right to pray. No one. Not the believers of other religions, not the agnostics like yours truly, not the atheists. No one. I can think of very few things I'd like to do less than take away your right to pray. Part of the reason for that is because I don’t give a big blue fuck what you do in your personal life. Another is because there is no way for any of us to do that. Are you surprised? Confused? Let me explain.

You have the ablity to pray anywhere and anytime you want to. Before school. After school. During school. At home. At work. In the car. At the movies. Before fucking. After fucking. During fucking. At sporting events. In libraries. In butcher shops. On top of a mountain. Literally anywhere and anytime you can think of, you should be able to pray. And you know what? You can. Are you reading this in school? Pray real quick. Seriously, do it. I'll wait.

(. . .)

Did you do it? Wow, congrats! No one came to tell you to stop? Do you feel like you did something bad, though? It's OK, because you know what? You didn't. Isn't that amazing? How do I know you didn't do something wrong? What? You think it's illegal to pray in school? Well that's positively silly. It is not now nor has it ever been illegal for you to pray in school. Seriously. No, I'm NOT joking with you.

I find it absolutely fucking hilarious when incompetent braindeads like Nick Gholson try to tell me that "courts strip (Christians) of all our rights". Do they really, Nick? Can you or anyone else please show me where law was passed that prohibits anyone of praying to any god they want to pray to at any time in a public school? Show me where that's happened. Anywhere. I would wait here for all of you, but then I'd be waiting for the rest of my life. Because that's never fucking happened.

You know what HAS happened? Because our government has set up the public school system to protect our children from promotion of ANY AND ALL religions - not just Christianity - the law states that a public school may not sponsor or conduct prayer. That's it. That's all it says. It does not prohibit a public school student from praying anytime or anywhere. During a math test, during lunch, during a football game. Any student. Literally anytime during school. So please, someone explain to me how, as a Christian, your rights are being stripped away by the government merely preventing schools from having to advocate one religion over other beliefs. I am DYING to hear this argument.

And yet you still bellow and caw because you “can't” pray in school. Since we've already established that such a belief is utter bullshit, let's ask a question: as a Christian or a Christian parent, would it sit well with you if your child went to school and, over the intercom or by a teacher, was engaged in Muslim prayer time? Or Jewish prayer time? Or Buddhist prayer time? No? Well then why should children of secular or non-Christian beliefs be engaged in Christian prayer?

Oh, right. You're going back to those two age-old tenets you love so much: that a) Christians make up a majority of the spiritual believers in this country and b) because the United States was founded on Christian principles. Right, I forgot about that. Only one problem there: these two heavily-armed points are worth exactly fuck-all. Are you surprised? Confused? Let me explain.

I can’t argue with you that Christians make up the religious majority of this country. I can’t argue that with you because it’s a fact. However, that being a fact has very little bearing in the scope of this issue. Why? Because the rules and laws governing this country simply don’t equate majority and right under the law. There’s really no simpler way of saying that. Sorry to bust your bubble. With that squashed, let’s tackle your other conceit: that this country was founded on Christian principles. This is only true in the most academic sense, and I would challenge anyone to pick up a copy of the Constitution and show me a facet of it that was designed specifically around Christianity. I would wait for you to do this again, but…well, you know the drill there.

In fact, what you’ll find, if you look closely enough, is that there is actually a specific section that deals with the separation of church and state, a concept that disassociates government from promoting one religion over another (broken record, I know, but you're really not getting it needs to be repeated at every opportunity). Now, call me crazy, but it sounds like that section firmly entrenches us in a base that’s NON-Christian by default. Oh, but right – the no killing, no stealing, etc, etc. Yeah yeah, got that. OK, so here’s this: not killing, not stealing, not infringing on the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness…those have kind of been basic tenets of every sustainable culture since the beginning of time. Half of the "Commandments" that make up the morality of Christianity are based on common sense. The other half aren't in the Constitution. So really, if our Constitution is based on Christian principles, it’s also based on Jewish principles, Muslim principles, Buddhist principles…I mean, you get the idea.

Oh fuck, right, I forgot – “one nation under God”. Well, as we’ve discussed before, Dwight Eisenhower added the “under God” part to the Pledge of Allegiance during his term as President in the 50s, so…there’s that. But yes, it does mention God several times in the Constitution. More often than that, it mentions a “Creator”. So you’ve got that. Although…and look, I’m just playing Devil’s Advocate here, but…it’s not really specific, is it? “Creator”? That could be, you know, a lot of things. And I’m just spitballing here, but the central figure in Christianity is Christ, right? So if the Constitution is based on the principles of Christianity…shouldn’t Jesus get some love in it somewhere? Be mentioned at some point? Because he kind of…you know, isn’t. Anywhere. At all. Is that just a big oversight? It seems like that would be akin to writing an article about the vaunted history of Microsoft and neglecting to mention Bill Gates.

Oh, I know the reason they didn’t mention Jesus in the Constitution – because it’s not fucking based on Christianity. In fact, many of the Founding Fathers who wrote it, developed it and put it together were in fact reformed Christians, more Deists than anything else, who were so turned off by the heavy-handed role of Christianity in England’s government that they excommunicated it from their lives altogether. And then they sought to make sure the exact same thing didn’t happen again in America. So they wrote our laws to ensure it wouldn’t, and this is the basis of what you find so fascist and inconvenient today: that the government doesn’t see Christianity as more special than any other religion. I mean, that’s what we’re really talking about here, right? You’re pissed because you're just just not getting a theological handjob from the folks in Washington DC.

And with that in mind, I guess I’d just have to ask…is your personal faith – or your religion itself – so weak that a simple declaration of governmental non-endorsement can set you off in such a panic? Because that’s what it looks like to me. You act as if the government has attempted to prevent you from practicing your religion, when in fact it’s done nothing of the sort. It’s merely stated that it and its employees and representatives cannot support or promote one religion over another. It says nothing of what you can do in your own head and heart. And actually – and maybe you just glossed over this part – it specifically guarantees you the right to practice your religion anywhere you want, anytime you want. It’s called Freedom of Religion. Still a little difficult to grasp? Maybe take a nap, relax yourself, and then dive back into it. I know the notion is a daunting one.

My advice to all you Christians who don’t understand our laws and how they work: take a course in civics and get a fucking life. You and I both know that this isn’t about rights or liberty or the Constitution: it’s about another chance for you to whore for attention. Fess up to that. How spineless are you if you think the government can take away your right to pray? It’s almost too stupid to even conceive of, and the Christian arrogance that people are out to get them – a lawyer on every corner to prevent them from praying – isn’t just a paranoid myth, it’s a belief that makes you look like lunatics. If you can’t conceive of the difference between someone not wanting you to pray and someone not wanting your faith imposed upon them, you’ve got a host of problems that I’m sure you’re not even aware of.

If Nick Gholson’s opinion is really the rallying cry for offended Christians, I hope I become the Pied Fucking Piper of people who shake their heads at such idiocy. And by all means, Evangelicals, keep judging us secularites and bawling that you're being taken to the cleaners by a government and a nation of people that are out to get you. I'll be right here to explain to you how the world actually works.