31 October 2003

It's Halloween So Clearly I'm...Writing

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--OK, we will clear this up first.

Unfortunately, most of the email I have been getting has been largely positive. I say unfortunate not because it's not nice that people are amused by my somewhat unintelligible externalizing of my inner monologue--it certainly is--but I was hoping I'd get some more people thinking and pissed off. Well, I almost did.

A few emails have addressed my perceived self-adhesiveness and ego. The best was a random IM I received yesterday from some anonymous person. It went something like this (not an exact quote because I closed it before I had the presence of mind to copy and paste, but the sentiment is intact):

"I saw your name pop up on the Buddy List of my new screenname and I had forgotten about you because you blocked me. I don't care because I would never talk to you anyway, but I went to your site to figure out who you were. I wanted to tell you you're not really that great and a little full of yourself."

Let's straighten a few things here:

1. I have blocked one person in my rabid history of IM, my former roommate's former girlfriend because she was insane. Rather than block people I just simply ignore them, because I feel that to be more insulting. She just happened to really drive me up a wall.

2. If you don't care, why are you compelled to write?

3. I want to make this abundantly clear--let's not sugarcoat the adjectives. I'm not a little full of myself, I am 100% blatantly stuffed from and overflowing with myself. I have an ego the size of Montana and, in my own little demented world, it's well-earned.

But I didn't think that had come across yet. Apparently it did, and I'm OK with that. To do what I want to do, you have to think very highly of yourself, and I think I'm pretty good at that.

--Public Service Announcement for 31 October 2003:

The gas at Sheetz is bad. Nobody use the gas.

In an independent two week test performed by professionals with GeoffCo Labs, Sheetz Regular Unleaded Gasoline was tested against the same octane gasoline products of Texaco, Mobil, and Exxon. On the average, in a gorgeous 1996 For Escort Wagon (White), Sheetz gas enabled the car to travel a full 50-75 miles LESS per tank as compared to other brands. When the Postulate was first introduced a mere six months ago by one Mr. T. Richardson Brown, Banker, I laughed off the hypothesis as a lark. But field research cannot be denied. All tests were performed on a minimum of 150 highway driving miles.

In unrelated news, the Lab rates the Sheetz Roast Beef PretzelWich as hands down the greatest PretzelWich in the land.

--Speaking of (insert food here)Wich's, does anyone have actual physical evidence of anyone they know or have heard of actually ever having consumed a ManWich? Ever? Moreover, has anyone ever seen anyone buying said substance? Does it really exist outside of commercials? We've all had beef barbecue, but I'm serious here. It's probably a secret society and they have meetings in abandoned church basements. Like all people who have ever had Jello 1-2-3. That club, as I know from firsthand experience, is limited to myself and James.

--Did you see the video of the guy shooting his lawyer outside the Van Nuys courthouse? Holy sh*t. The part that shocked me the most was how many people refused to do anything. They just stood there looking at the guy. Now, I am first to admit I'm not going to go gung-ho and throw a running Haymaker (a la Robin Ventura vs. Nolan Ryan) at a dude with a gun. I will also freely admit that I would be totally shocked to see such an event unfold before my eyes and would likely be statuesque for a number of moments. I might even pee just a little. Just a little.

But when you watch a fat old guy calmly walking away from SHOOTING ANOTHER PERSON, back turned to you, you still do NOTHING? The f*cking camera guys just kept taking pictures. I mean Jesus Christ on a Fluffy Cloud in Heaven, jump on the motherf*cker. Tackle him. It took a full 45 seconds for someone to realize they could take him. The FOXNews camera guy acted like he was all helpful as he POINTED AT THE GUY EVERYONE JUST WATCHED SHOOT ANOTHER PERSON.

"Here he is guys, right here, I've got him in my sights, arrest this man, he's the one you just watched shoot another man while he hid behind a skinny tree, this guy right here, someone should get him, really, he's walking away at three miles per hour, seriously guys..."

And has there ever been a more unlikely hero than our little ten-inch wide arborized battleshield? That lawyer fended off certain death with a leg-sized piece of bark and wood. This marks the most unprecedented series of legal maneuvers move since Clarence Darrow outdueled William Jennings Bryan to convince the State of Tennessee that no, the world wasn't really created in Seven Days, horsies before dinosaurs.

If only Kobe could get that tree on his side, huh?

--This LeBron James kid...he's exciting. I smell the rebirth of the NBA. Last night in the mall it was Trick Or Treat Fest 2003, and some guy (roughly 27 years old) was tooling about in a LeBron Authentic jersey. But not a Cavs Jersey. No.

His high school jersey. Official. Authentic. St. Mary's. Adult Male. That is balls , ladies and gentlemen. The guy's girlfriend was fat. Coincidence? Not likely.

Happy Halloween everyone. Big, big news coming soon. I'll just say for now that The Fiasco, as I'm calling it, begins in exactly 121 days, and "The O.C." was far, far more exciting and appropriate this week....


29 October 2003

Something So Profound I am Compelled to Comment

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--Delivered some merchandise to Intercourse, PA today. That is good enough in and of itself, but not nearly the story.

The merchandise I was delivering was for an Amish customer who owns a flower shop. The flower shop is upstairs from a Coffee shop, also Amish owned. I don't know any other way to say this so I'll just say it: I walked into the Coffee Shop to get the the Flower Shop, and behind the counter was absolutely the most intensely gorgeous female I have ever seen in my entire life.

And she was full-fledged Amish. What the f*ck.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm more of a brunette guy than blonde guy, but the blonde hair on this girl was like a very fine flax. Incredible DSL's, one hell of a breast and her Amish getup was quite form fitting. The best part was she was wearing no makeup (obviously) and was one of those girls that looks better without it.

So I stared. I got caught. The guy who is running the place--I can only assume it's her father--caught me big time and made a joke out of it.

"The locals come for the coffee, but all the people from out of town just stare at the girl."

He laughed, she got red, and I just didn't care. Later, after describing the situation to the Amish lady upstairs, I was informed that this girl was 20 years old.

Son of a b*tch motherf*cker. Had she been 16 it would have lessened the blow, as that would have made her too young, but 20 is still right in my wheelhouse, and this lends faith to the proposition that there is a God and he hates me so much that he taunts me with blazing hot, pious women that are untouchable.

Not kidding, best looking human being I have ever seen in person. Imagine a better looking Jessica Simpson with a better body. Really.

--Incidentally, another Amish customer of ours is also the owner of a flower shop. The business's name?

The Flower Patch of Intercourse.

I couldn't have made that up if I tried. Seriously, I know you're Amish, but don't you know? I guarantee people are looking through the phone book and their first thought is that it's a strip club or an Adult Bookstore.

--My most recent Unconquerable Postulate: The new Volkswagon, Porsche, Infiniti and Chrysler SUV's are the exact same vehicle with different hood ornaments. I'm telling you, in five years we are all going to be driving the exact same OmniCar, a combo Minvan/SUV/Station Wagon. And have you seen the new Nissan Murano? My cousin just bought one, and I swear the thing is smiling at me every time I look at it. I kid you not, it's f*cking creepy.


28 October 2003

Here's a Great Idea

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--Let's say you're the board of directors (yes, just you) of a major national clothing store. For our hypothetical purposes of today, we'll just call it The American Eagle Outfitters (TM). We'll assume it's a full week before Halloween and it's still a consistent 50 degrees in Pennsylvania. Don't you think the best idea would be to go ahead and not only set up the entire store for Xmas, but begin to play Xmas songs on all your stores' sound systems?

Me too! This is sure to piss off NO ONE! What a f*cking genius you are!

Standing in the doorway of my Job #2 location this evening, attempting to hand out life-saving coupons for 15% off a pair of pre-torn jeans (no, that's not a typo), I watched people enter the store. You know those Disney cartoons where Donald Duck's kids throw water on him in the morning to startle him out of bed? Remember what his face looked like? Well, that was every person that came in tonight, finding the store decked out in garland and little white lights. People looked like they had been told they had HIV and simultaneously punched in the stomach.

Who makes a decision like this? I'm saying no more than a few days before Thanksgiving. Clearly, all the sh*t has to be up for Black Friday, this is a given. But before Halloween? And it's been this way since SUNDAY. The mall will host Trick-Or-Treat 2003 on Wednesday. Kids are going to be walking by the store in their little SpongeBob getups or whatever the hell they're wearing this year, seeing the Xmas decorations, and just getting confused as all get-out, like, "Oh f*ck, did I hit a time warp? Is it snowing outside? I feel like I should walk down the stairs in my PJs now. Mom, what the f*ck is going on?"

Here's another thing that really pisses me off--celebrating holidays several days before or after the actual date. F*ck this. Halloween is on October 31, you will get dressed and f*cking beg for candy on that day and no other. My hometown now has Trick-Or-Treat on the WEDNESDAY of Halloween week. WHY? What the HELL purpose does that serve? They even have established hours. Bullsh*t. Bullsh*t. It starts at like 5:30PM and goes until 7PM. No way man, it's not even dark at 5:30PM yet, and I'm for damn sure taking my time. Who the hell decided Halloween could have time limit? The same municipality has not had Fourth of July Fireworks on the Fourth of July for twelve years...EVEN WHEN IT F*CKING FELL ON A FRIDAY OR SATURDAY. It's like they're purposely trying to avoid celebrating the Holiday on the Holiday. Does this completely dismay anyone else or am I alone here? I mean is this f*cking crazy? I'm getting all riled up just thinking about it. It's like when they added Smarch to the school year in "The Simpsons". It's that kind of lunacy. Imbecile godd*mn d*uchebags, every single last one of these people.

--Females back into parking spots way, way too often. It's almost an epidemic. Is there some kind of major problem backing OUT of the spot at the end of the day? I watched one chick whom I work with back into a spot at the mall tonight. It was unnecessary of one factor because there wasn't a single other car around her, but doubly so because she was closing with me and there were going to be no other cars in the parking lot when we left. What could possibly be the rationale for this course of action? Obviously there are going to be some times where it's advantageous to back into a spot, but c'mon people.

And don't even get me started on the female incapability of performing the pull-through-to-the-empty-spot-in-front-of-you-so-you-can-later-drive-straight-out-of-said-spot (heretafter referred to as simply the "Pull Through").

--My work on my two newest scripts is coming so d*mn slowly. I even got good notes on the first 1/3 of the one and I can't make myself keep going. Yes, I've had some distractions in the last few weeks, but I should have done something. I have all my notes and everything. I can't figure this out. I know I can sell this one too. Side Note: It's pretty sad when your motivation to sell a screenplay is not the realization of a dream, nor the contribution your art, nor even the possible critical acclaim; it is only knowing that you will be paid enough to get out of College Debt (TM). My credit report right now probably looks like the skin on my the bottom of my foot after it caught on fire and someone put it out with an old t-shirt. Another motivating factor to sell a script is the realization that I'll never qualify for any kind of loan and that I'll have to throw cash down on EVERYTHING. I can't wait until I have an agent and a personal financial guru. Give me three years, I'm telling you.

Mad shout to DanWho, who was man enough to create the official GooseTown logo. I will put it up here when blogspot allows me to have pictures. Like a prisoner, I'm allowed only text here, but maybe in the near future I'll get moved to GenPop when I can hang some pictures on my cell walls. That will be when I put this logo up. If you haven't seen it, go to his webpage and check it out. Cousin Scott would be mighty proud.


Answering an Email or Two

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

Actually got some emails on a few posts. Mostly from friends, which is nice in a melancholy sort of way. But it's a start. Sort of like your friend picking you last in dodgeball because you're buddies, knowing full well that your hands aren't big enough to grip the rubber deathspheres and therefore your throwing accuracy is that of a seven year old girl with no arms.

But I digress.

First email comes from Lolly, who I used to follow around The Highlawn Pavillion many a drunken night. She muses:

>>But I AM wondering, in regards to your opinion about cheerleading not
being a sport...if only the sports that have strict rules and
guidelines can be truly called sports (like baseball, football, etc.),
then does that make the Olympics an event that is NOT centered around
sports? I guess you could call it an athletic event, which "they"
might for all I know about sports. Just a thought that stemmed from
your thought...<<

Good question Lolly. While the Olympics are comprised of several NonSports (gymanastics, diving, ice skating) and a few Near Retarded NonSports (hereafter referred to as NRNS's--like rhythmic gymnastics, which seems to be based on a childish dare), they are built on far many more Sports (baseball, basketball, wrestling, skiing, luging, track, speedskating, and my new favorite, Skeleton). Therefore, I would say the Olympics are still Sports-based. However, the IOC threatens to damn this opinion if they continue to consider Ballroom Dancing as an "Olympic Event". This humble guy is firmly entrenched in the belief that if Ballroom Dacing becomes an "Olympic Event", the delicate fabric which gently binds time and space together will be irrevocably torn, resulting in the ultimate destruction of our very universe and putting an end to life as we know it.

Next question comes from one of the more nefarious members of The Crew, the lovely and talented Kimer, who upon reading my post about cheerleaders wondered:

"But the Dukettes are OK, right?"

Fret not, Kimer. For those unfortunately not inclined, the Dukettes were James Madison University's representative dance squadron. While they did perform at football games, they were not hyperspirited cheertrolls merely deflating their lungs. Think of them as more attractive and talented cheerleaders without the deafening suck. They also tend to be marginally less meaty than your average cheerleader, although as Kimer knows the Dukettes were never too good at "laying off the snacks".

Finally, for my loyal readers at Guelph University in sunny Canada, I salute you.


25 October 2003

Some Random Thoughts for 25 October 2003

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--Went to the Grand Re-Opening of the glorious West Shore Stadium last night. The NuTurf looks great, except for one thing: while one end zone is appropriately painted with the name of the rightful owners of the stadium--the vaunted and historically powerful Cedar Cliff Colts--the opposite end zone offends with the "PATRIOTS" moniker, that of the oft-reviled Red Land High School.

For those of you not familiar with Central PA, let me explain something to you: in the 1970's, the West Shore School District decided that one high school was not enough to accommodate the ever-climbing population numbers of the suburban Harrisburg area. So they took about 30% of Cedar Cliff High School's (my alma mater's) population and transferred it to Red Land, ten miles away in Etters. What happened was that, to save headaches, they built the ONLY POOL IN THE SCHOOL DISTRICT within the confines of Red Land. In a brilliant move, the school board decided this was a fair enough trade off that the football stadium--ON THE CAMPUS OF CEDAR CLIFF HIGH SCHOOL--would be used as the "Home" field for both high schools. Such decisions of genius were shared by the Nazis at the end of WWII.

So I would just like to say to Red Land, once and for all....keep your pool and get out of our f*cking stadium. We don't want your tepid chlorine pit. Build something of you own and then come talk to me, d*ckbags. Trev, you and I are the only ones that still care about this. Maybe Chez.

--Note to all high school cheerleaders: real school spirit is not waving pom-poms and chanting during a game. Real school spirit is having an entire opposing basketball team threaten to kill you, thus necessitating a police escort out of the gym while your "friends" refuse to get your back. THAT is school spirit.


--Are there any two more overrated chicks in terms of looks than the Hilton sisters? Is the waifish, coked-out, repugnant crackwh*re look back in? Do you think they've stayed in a Hilton Hotel in the last 5 years? I can't even make an intelligent thought about this, it's so alien to me. I mean...people think they're attractive ? Seriously? I'll be the first up on the soapbox to exclaim that once the Olsen Twins turn 18, I will immediately find them to be, by far, the most attractive twins on the planet. Even those grotesque Barbi Twins were more attractive than the Hiltons, and they even have the disadvantage of fancying Michael Jackson-esque plastic surgery (seriously, have you seen them recently, they look like Leona Helmsley bore a cat).

Quote of the week:

Some reporter asked Paris Hilton if she knew what Wal-Mart was. He response?

"Is it, like, they do wall stuff?"

Every time I see her all I can think of is Brian Urlacher on the Price is Right....

"Brian, take a look at what you could win....A NEW ANOREXIC PARTY SLUT!"

--Speaking of the Hilton sisters, can someone feed Tara Ried? Is it just me or did she look infinitely better in the first American Pie when she wasn't puking up craft services' finest?

--Only when you work temporarily for your father can you promote yourself to Director of Marketing of a company with exactly three employees.

--I'm not kidding when I say this: Maroon 5 is going to take over the planet. Or at least they should. They are tied for the most listenable album so far this year with the All-American Rejects. I anxiously await the new Travis and The Strokes albums.

--As of today, 25 October 2003, I have played with a mere three sets of boobies in the last month. This is a full 2,322 less pairings than I would have liked to have played with.

--Something funny happened on the way to California...

Was included in the purchase of a new vehicle last week, of which I will be the primary driver. Looking from a business perspective, I assessed psychological, economical, and aesthetic factors in determining what kind of car the business should have. I decided on a newer model truck. Not SUV. Truck. Why? Well, the downside (horrible, awful, gargantuanly detestable gas mileage) was far outweighed by the upside (functionality, public perception, practicality for transfering materials). Second choice was a Mail Truck, simply because of the novelty. Father nixed both ideas. So what did I end up with?

Nineteen ninety-six For Escort. Wagon. Four cylinder. Blaring horn (and by "blaring", I mean "almost squeaking").

I have officially skipped right from College Youth to Middle Age, with no in between. I would tell you how much my life sucks right now, but that would require me to find a meter with a scale of suck that hasn't been invented yet. Though the first day I was tooling around in it, I did get a female to approach me and ask for my phone number.

She wanted to know if I could take her kids to soccer practice.

There is a positive end to the story, though: was able to eek an entire $103.72--that's not a misprint--out of the car dealer for The Marquis, Year 1988. We rolled it into the lot with exactly one functioning piston left. I win.

--Who does Penn State lose to today? Let's check...ah, Iowa. I wonder if, when I slit my wrists, I really will bleed Blue and White....

--Has anyone seen Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career? Hey, there it is! It's running away with Blair Underwood!


24 October 2003

Lions and Tigers and Religious Zealots, Yay!

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

Another case of Bible Belters trying to decide what is good for the masses. Before you get into my rant, take a second to read and consider the platform of Valley Family Forum, detailed in this Daily News Record article.

Here is my response. Should they decide to answer me, I'll post it here.

>>I came across your "cause" when I read an article in The Daily News Record. As a JMU student for four years and former member of the Valley community, I was a little more than disappointed to hear of your "efforts".

To say the least, they sicken me.

How about we try this: instead of lobbying to have certian literature--which is only offensive to SOME, mind you--removed from store shelves, the whole of your group take on a little bit of what is called "personal responsibility" and simply avoid those racks or resist the temptation to patronize such dens of iniquity. Or would that be asking too much, for you to make a personal choice, as opposed to attempting to make a choice for everyone?

This may come as somewhat of a newsflash to you folks, but not everyone in the Valley is a Christian. That in mind, some people have a different idea of what "moral" might be. Do not attempt to speak for what is best for the community. If you could each simply handle making your own decisions for yourself and refuse to worry about what others do, you'd be another step ahead in life.

See, there's this little diddy called the First Ammendment. I would explain it to you, but you seem to be pretty versed in what is not . So take what you believe, reverse it, and you'll have the real meaning of what our "forefathers intended".

What to do then, you might ask? Well, it's really kinda easy: if you don't like a magazine cover, don't look at it. If you disagree with a store selling it, don't shop there. If you don't want your kids to see a slightly-clothed woman, act like a parent and don't let them walk near the offensive piece of material. I'm not kidding--it's just that simple. Then you don't have to spend all your time trying to tell the rest of us what is appropriate or what isn't...you can just make the right choice for yourself and be happy, unconcerned about the rest of us, who probably already have chair with our name on it right next to Satan himself, right?

There is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion. Nothing. Zero. The problem with zealot religious groups--such as your own--is that you feel everyone should only express one opinion...yours. Though it may be tough to hear, not as many people think as you'd like them to. Many people disagree with your views. I would point out the fact that Christianity is on a sharp decline in the United States, both in subscription of new members and in overall public opinion. Perhaps it's because of "fights" like this one?

Something to ponder...


Geoff LaTulippe<<

Damn these people bother the hell out of me.


To Cheer or Not to Cheer...Well, Either Way, It's Not Sporting

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

Is cheerleading a sport or not a sport? I love this one. I believe I have finally figured out the most logical answer, and I'm here to tell you...

Not a sport. Let's break this down:

In today's American culture, a sport can only be defined as a competition between two or more opposing forces of athletic persons on a designated field of play with objective guidelines and definite, marked outcomes. In other words, it cannot be a sport if the outcome relies on a subjective judge's interpretation. This is of utmost importance in gauging sport/nonsport nomenclature.

Therefore, some Sports: Football, baseball, hockey, tennis, swimming, golf, etc. You know your objective (score points) which is achieved only through strict guidelines (crossing the goal line, etc.) with no room for doubt.

More importantly, some NonSports: cheerleading, diving, NASCAR, gymnastics

See where I'm going with this? If it does not meet the guidelines of "Sport", it is a strenuous physical activity. It doesn't invalidate its existence, it simply renders it a NonSport Physical Activity. Why?

Cheerleading: First of all, let's throw out the notion that the crap that happens on the sidelines of football game has any redeeming social value. The idea of "spirit" went out the window a long time ago, so drop it. But how about cheerleading competitions? Well, that's exactly what they are, competitions. Your outcome is based only party on performance--you must also deal with the Subjective score of a Judge. Since human being are fallible, one can hardly count on their objectivity. There are no clear parameters for "Scoring". Therefore, while a Strenuous NonSport Physical Activity...not a sport.

Diving/Gymnastics: Same issue of judge's score.

NASCAR: Non-athletes. This cannot be debated.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I have heard many people make the non-athlete claim towards golf. Only a complete assh*le would do this, as anyone who has walked 18 holes can certainly attest.)

Now I've heard all the excuses. I'm sure I'm going to get some of the following:

--"Yeah, but we practice for HOURS in a gym." (Great, so do ballerinas. Is ballet a sport now?)

--"Yeah, but you can get injured doing this." (Great. You can get injured doing construction. Or walking down the street. Are those sports now?)

--"Yeah, but I'm more of an athlete than those dudes who play Offensive Line." (Great. First of all, your statement is doubtful. Second of all, f*ck you, as this has NO bearing on the conversation whatsoever.)

These are just a few. If you disagree, email me and I shall strike down your contentions with an iron fist. This is one of my Unconquerable Postulates, but I'm open to debate. Unless you want to try to talk about those lunchboxes on the sidelines at football games. Forget it. I won't acknowledge its presence.


Friday's Moron of the Day Award

Today's Award goes to US Army General William Boykin, who spoke to many packed churches recently about the War on Terror (TM).

His comments at each church included the following, dictating why the effort was necessary:

"...Because we're a Christian nation, because our foundation and our roots are Judeo-Christian ... and the enemy is a guy named Satan."

You ignorant motherf*cker (EDITOR'S NOTE: I will now be bleeping out any words containing any kind of profanity. Why? It's more fun this way. Like "South Park".). It amazes me how Religious Conservatives think they can speak for an entire nation of people with such an incredibly narrow worldview. Gen. Boykin's comments have sparked a good deal of controversy, and rightly so. Even if his intent was to imply that the "Satan" he refers to are "Evil Terrorists", all that rational people heard was "We are fighting the dirty Muslims".

Way to set the War On Terror (TM) back a few steps there, Bill. Let me lay out a few things for you:

1. Until 100% of the population is in fact Christian, this will not be a Christian nation. If you look at current numbers, you'll actually find that not only support for but membership in your faith is declining rapidly in this nation.

2. As far as our "foundation and roots" being Judeo-Christian, there is just as much evidence to support the idea that the Founding Fathers were Diests as opposed to Christians, having had their fill of the religious oppression in Enlgand.

My point is this: if you are Christian, fine. I applaud you. Practice away. Do not, however, attempt to appoint yourself Moral Spokesperson for the USA. Do not assume to place your God as the backbone for governmental directive. And for God's sake, learn to phrase your opinions a bit more carefully.

Most Christians are logical, private people who just want their own way to worship. Too many, however, exude the qualities perpetuated by General Boykin--the know-it-all, seen-it-all, here's-what's-good-for-you attitude. Drives me up a wall. What, you think you have all the answers for yourself and everyone else?

Great, get in line.

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com


23 October 2003

Some Stuff I Was Thinking About

--I hate computers.

--Visit my buddy Steve's site here. If he looks familiar, that's because he is. There is a burgeoning business partnership here. Also, the guy is funny as hell and just worth reading in general.

--Had an epiphany today (I have a lot of those): One of the best lessons I learned from one of the many philosophy classes I took in college had to do with love and hate. Many people think that Hate is the opposite of Love; this is not true. Love is actually the absolute value of hate (which would make "Hate" actually "- Love"--get it?). Biochemically, feelings of love and hate produce the same reaction in the body, they simply have different mental associations. The opposite of Love is actually Indifference. Indifference is the absence of feeling toward something; Love and Hate constitute strong feelings toward something. Still with me? Good, me either.

So if we know this, and if I apply it to my life...I don't know that I've ever been in love before. I think I might have fallen victim simply to being in love with the idea of being in love, and that clouds your vision. But I'm not sure. Is that indifference or just moving on? The only thing I'm jaded about is that she got the dog. Is that wrong? I know I love that dog. I've got that. Someone hold me.

I think if you can honestly say that you would go through all the pain of losing someone ten times over just for five minutes of their presence, then you've got something there. Like they say, without the bitter, the sweet just ain't as sweet. And it seems as though you could only really know that once you've lost them, either to breakup, death, or geographical disposition. Isn't the human psyche GREAT? I think I need a nap.

--I'm really, really starting to lean towards Wesley Clark for President. Bush has got to go. I mean c'mon now. Clark's interview with Maxim was quite impressive, if truncated. A liberal General...the possibilities are mind-boggling.

--I'm now 100% convinced that the NYC area is the fishbowl of the world. This is going to anger half my friends, but they've all heard me say it anyway. I would say most (not many--most) people from this area believe that the sun rises and sets in the greater NYC area. Newsflash: Most people loathe the place. This is compounded by the fact that the people who live there talk about it like it's Babylon. Every time the Yankees win a World Series it gets worse. Well, yuck it up all you want, NYCers, but recall...without the bitter, the sweet just ain't as sweet.

Speaking of the Yankees...I'm all, "Yay, capitalism," but being a large-market team gives you a HUGE advantage in baseball, which lacks a salary cap. Now Joe Torre is the best manager in the bigs, hands down, but how many players on the current roster have the Yankees actually farmed? Jeter, Williams, Posada, and Nick Johnson. Four. The rest of their talent is bought. Maybe they were scared off by the whole Brien Taylor fiasco, I don't know. But come on...bring a guy up from the minors instead of throwing money at him. See what happens when you actually DEVELOP someone. It's a good feeling, I bet, as opposed to just throwing money at people. The Sultan of Brunei has a bunch of sluts walking around too, but they all hate him.

Then again, every year the free-spending Mets manage to blow my theory out of the water, so what the hell do I know? I'll tell you what I do know--I like Mets fans a whole lot more than Yankees fans, because they possess humility.

--Visit my friend James's site here: CannedJam

It's entertaining, especially if you went to JMU. Look for a special video coming very soon.

That's all for now. If you are someone I know and I have lost touch with you, or if you want to send me Hate Mail (maybe not yet, but soon you will...), Email me.

Seriously, send me hate mail. I expect a ton when I post about my hatred for PETA people.


It's a New World...Prepare to be Annoyed....

Here I am, bastards.

Was talking to a friend last night who explained that he had become a dork, reading up on a bunch of people's weblogs (or "blogs", as they are known in the "trade") in his down time. I decided to one-up him, become a total douchebag, and start my own.

Why? Anyone who knows me knows I am a writer. I need this. I need you to read the fluff that flows through my head on a daily basis. I need you to comment on it. I need to fight you if you disagree with me. These are things I need. I must have this outlet. I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner. The thought that I have missed time intrigues and upsets me. I have things to say.

So I will say them. I hope you agree with me sometimes. I REALLY hope you get pissed sometimes, because if you don't offend people every once in a while, life gets damn boring. Mostly, I hope I just make you think. There is not enough good thinking done in this world. I happen to like my ideas, so I will share them with you. If you ask, I will elaborate. If you disagree, great, but I'll tell you why I think you're wrong.

People ask me all the time why I always think I'm right. What a stupiud question. If you don't think you're right, if you don't think your ideas are the correct ones and your assumptions are based on great analysis, why have a fucking opinion on anything? If you believe something, don't be a pussy about it--believe you are right. There's a fine lline that you have to straddle, however, between believing you're right and knowing you're right. The key is to think you've got all the answers but know full well you could be dead wrong on every fucking one.

I'm rambling already. I tend to do that. I will post a lot of thoughts here, people, because there are a lot stuck in my gigantic melon head.

This is only the beginning....