31 October 2003

It's Halloween So Clearly I'm...Writing

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--OK, we will clear this up first.

Unfortunately, most of the email I have been getting has been largely positive. I say unfortunate not because it's not nice that people are amused by my somewhat unintelligible externalizing of my inner monologue--it certainly is--but I was hoping I'd get some more people thinking and pissed off. Well, I almost did.

A few emails have addressed my perceived self-adhesiveness and ego. The best was a random IM I received yesterday from some anonymous person. It went something like this (not an exact quote because I closed it before I had the presence of mind to copy and paste, but the sentiment is intact):

"I saw your name pop up on the Buddy List of my new screenname and I had forgotten about you because you blocked me. I don't care because I would never talk to you anyway, but I went to your site to figure out who you were. I wanted to tell you you're not really that great and a little full of yourself."

Let's straighten a few things here:

1. I have blocked one person in my rabid history of IM, my former roommate's former girlfriend because she was insane. Rather than block people I just simply ignore them, because I feel that to be more insulting. She just happened to really drive me up a wall.

2. If you don't care, why are you compelled to write?

3. I want to make this abundantly clear--let's not sugarcoat the adjectives. I'm not a little full of myself, I am 100% blatantly stuffed from and overflowing with myself. I have an ego the size of Montana and, in my own little demented world, it's well-earned.

But I didn't think that had come across yet. Apparently it did, and I'm OK with that. To do what I want to do, you have to think very highly of yourself, and I think I'm pretty good at that.

--Public Service Announcement for 31 October 2003:

The gas at Sheetz is bad. Nobody use the gas.

In an independent two week test performed by professionals with GeoffCo Labs, Sheetz Regular Unleaded Gasoline was tested against the same octane gasoline products of Texaco, Mobil, and Exxon. On the average, in a gorgeous 1996 For Escort Wagon (White), Sheetz gas enabled the car to travel a full 50-75 miles LESS per tank as compared to other brands. When the Postulate was first introduced a mere six months ago by one Mr. T. Richardson Brown, Banker, I laughed off the hypothesis as a lark. But field research cannot be denied. All tests were performed on a minimum of 150 highway driving miles.

In unrelated news, the Lab rates the Sheetz Roast Beef PretzelWich as hands down the greatest PretzelWich in the land.

--Speaking of (insert food here)Wich's, does anyone have actual physical evidence of anyone they know or have heard of actually ever having consumed a ManWich? Ever? Moreover, has anyone ever seen anyone buying said substance? Does it really exist outside of commercials? We've all had beef barbecue, but I'm serious here. It's probably a secret society and they have meetings in abandoned church basements. Like all people who have ever had Jello 1-2-3. That club, as I know from firsthand experience, is limited to myself and James.

--Did you see the video of the guy shooting his lawyer outside the Van Nuys courthouse? Holy sh*t. The part that shocked me the most was how many people refused to do anything. They just stood there looking at the guy. Now, I am first to admit I'm not going to go gung-ho and throw a running Haymaker (a la Robin Ventura vs. Nolan Ryan) at a dude with a gun. I will also freely admit that I would be totally shocked to see such an event unfold before my eyes and would likely be statuesque for a number of moments. I might even pee just a little. Just a little.

But when you watch a fat old guy calmly walking away from SHOOTING ANOTHER PERSON, back turned to you, you still do NOTHING? The f*cking camera guys just kept taking pictures. I mean Jesus Christ on a Fluffy Cloud in Heaven, jump on the motherf*cker. Tackle him. It took a full 45 seconds for someone to realize they could take him. The FOXNews camera guy acted like he was all helpful as he POINTED AT THE GUY EVERYONE JUST WATCHED SHOOT ANOTHER PERSON.

"Here he is guys, right here, I've got him in my sights, arrest this man, he's the one you just watched shoot another man while he hid behind a skinny tree, this guy right here, someone should get him, really, he's walking away at three miles per hour, seriously guys..."

And has there ever been a more unlikely hero than our little ten-inch wide arborized battleshield? That lawyer fended off certain death with a leg-sized piece of bark and wood. This marks the most unprecedented series of legal maneuvers move since Clarence Darrow outdueled William Jennings Bryan to convince the State of Tennessee that no, the world wasn't really created in Seven Days, horsies before dinosaurs.

If only Kobe could get that tree on his side, huh?

--This LeBron James kid...he's exciting. I smell the rebirth of the NBA. Last night in the mall it was Trick Or Treat Fest 2003, and some guy (roughly 27 years old) was tooling about in a LeBron Authentic jersey. But not a Cavs Jersey. No.

His high school jersey. Official. Authentic. St. Mary's. Adult Male. That is balls , ladies and gentlemen. The guy's girlfriend was fat. Coincidence? Not likely.

Happy Halloween everyone. Big, big news coming soon. I'll just say for now that The Fiasco, as I'm calling it, begins in exactly 121 days, and "The O.C." was far, far more exciting and appropriate this week....