25 October 2003

Some Random Thoughts for 25 October 2003

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--Went to the Grand Re-Opening of the glorious West Shore Stadium last night. The NuTurf looks great, except for one thing: while one end zone is appropriately painted with the name of the rightful owners of the stadium--the vaunted and historically powerful Cedar Cliff Colts--the opposite end zone offends with the "PATRIOTS" moniker, that of the oft-reviled Red Land High School.

For those of you not familiar with Central PA, let me explain something to you: in the 1970's, the West Shore School District decided that one high school was not enough to accommodate the ever-climbing population numbers of the suburban Harrisburg area. So they took about 30% of Cedar Cliff High School's (my alma mater's) population and transferred it to Red Land, ten miles away in Etters. What happened was that, to save headaches, they built the ONLY POOL IN THE SCHOOL DISTRICT within the confines of Red Land. In a brilliant move, the school board decided this was a fair enough trade off that the football stadium--ON THE CAMPUS OF CEDAR CLIFF HIGH SCHOOL--would be used as the "Home" field for both high schools. Such decisions of genius were shared by the Nazis at the end of WWII.

So I would just like to say to Red Land, once and for all....keep your pool and get out of our f*cking stadium. We don't want your tepid chlorine pit. Build something of you own and then come talk to me, d*ckbags. Trev, you and I are the only ones that still care about this. Maybe Chez.

--Note to all high school cheerleaders: real school spirit is not waving pom-poms and chanting during a game. Real school spirit is having an entire opposing basketball team threaten to kill you, thus necessitating a police escort out of the gym while your "friends" refuse to get your back. THAT is school spirit.


--Are there any two more overrated chicks in terms of looks than the Hilton sisters? Is the waifish, coked-out, repugnant crackwh*re look back in? Do you think they've stayed in a Hilton Hotel in the last 5 years? I can't even make an intelligent thought about this, it's so alien to me. I mean...people think they're attractive ? Seriously? I'll be the first up on the soapbox to exclaim that once the Olsen Twins turn 18, I will immediately find them to be, by far, the most attractive twins on the planet. Even those grotesque Barbi Twins were more attractive than the Hiltons, and they even have the disadvantage of fancying Michael Jackson-esque plastic surgery (seriously, have you seen them recently, they look like Leona Helmsley bore a cat).

Quote of the week:

Some reporter asked Paris Hilton if she knew what Wal-Mart was. He response?

"Is it, like, they do wall stuff?"

Every time I see her all I can think of is Brian Urlacher on the Price is Right....

"Brian, take a look at what you could win....A NEW ANOREXIC PARTY SLUT!"

--Speaking of the Hilton sisters, can someone feed Tara Ried? Is it just me or did she look infinitely better in the first American Pie when she wasn't puking up craft services' finest?

--Only when you work temporarily for your father can you promote yourself to Director of Marketing of a company with exactly three employees.

--I'm not kidding when I say this: Maroon 5 is going to take over the planet. Or at least they should. They are tied for the most listenable album so far this year with the All-American Rejects. I anxiously await the new Travis and The Strokes albums.

--As of today, 25 October 2003, I have played with a mere three sets of boobies in the last month. This is a full 2,322 less pairings than I would have liked to have played with.

--Something funny happened on the way to California...

Was included in the purchase of a new vehicle last week, of which I will be the primary driver. Looking from a business perspective, I assessed psychological, economical, and aesthetic factors in determining what kind of car the business should have. I decided on a newer model truck. Not SUV. Truck. Why? Well, the downside (horrible, awful, gargantuanly detestable gas mileage) was far outweighed by the upside (functionality, public perception, practicality for transfering materials). Second choice was a Mail Truck, simply because of the novelty. Father nixed both ideas. So what did I end up with?

Nineteen ninety-six For Escort. Wagon. Four cylinder. Blaring horn (and by "blaring", I mean "almost squeaking").

I have officially skipped right from College Youth to Middle Age, with no in between. I would tell you how much my life sucks right now, but that would require me to find a meter with a scale of suck that hasn't been invented yet. Though the first day I was tooling around in it, I did get a female to approach me and ask for my phone number.

She wanted to know if I could take her kids to soccer practice.

There is a positive end to the story, though: was able to eek an entire $103.72--that's not a misprint--out of the car dealer for The Marquis, Year 1988. We rolled it into the lot with exactly one functioning piston left. I win.

--Who does Penn State lose to today? Let's check...ah, Iowa. I wonder if, when I slit my wrists, I really will bleed Blue and White....

--Has anyone seen Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career? Hey, there it is! It's running away with Blair Underwood!