29 October 2003

Something So Profound I am Compelled to Comment

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--Delivered some merchandise to Intercourse, PA today. That is good enough in and of itself, but not nearly the story.

The merchandise I was delivering was for an Amish customer who owns a flower shop. The flower shop is upstairs from a Coffee shop, also Amish owned. I don't know any other way to say this so I'll just say it: I walked into the Coffee Shop to get the the Flower Shop, and behind the counter was absolutely the most intensely gorgeous female I have ever seen in my entire life.

And she was full-fledged Amish. What the f*ck.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm more of a brunette guy than blonde guy, but the blonde hair on this girl was like a very fine flax. Incredible DSL's, one hell of a breast and her Amish getup was quite form fitting. The best part was she was wearing no makeup (obviously) and was one of those girls that looks better without it.

So I stared. I got caught. The guy who is running the place--I can only assume it's her father--caught me big time and made a joke out of it.

"The locals come for the coffee, but all the people from out of town just stare at the girl."

He laughed, she got red, and I just didn't care. Later, after describing the situation to the Amish lady upstairs, I was informed that this girl was 20 years old.

Son of a b*tch motherf*cker. Had she been 16 it would have lessened the blow, as that would have made her too young, but 20 is still right in my wheelhouse, and this lends faith to the proposition that there is a God and he hates me so much that he taunts me with blazing hot, pious women that are untouchable.

Not kidding, best looking human being I have ever seen in person. Imagine a better looking Jessica Simpson with a better body. Really.

--Incidentally, another Amish customer of ours is also the owner of a flower shop. The business's name?

The Flower Patch of Intercourse.

I couldn't have made that up if I tried. Seriously, I know you're Amish, but don't you know? I guarantee people are looking through the phone book and their first thought is that it's a strip club or an Adult Bookstore.

--My most recent Unconquerable Postulate: The new Volkswagon, Porsche, Infiniti and Chrysler SUV's are the exact same vehicle with different hood ornaments. I'm telling you, in five years we are all going to be driving the exact same OmniCar, a combo Minvan/SUV/Station Wagon. And have you seen the new Nissan Murano? My cousin just bought one, and I swear the thing is smiling at me every time I look at it. I kid you not, it's f*cking creepy.