03 May 2006



This is going to be a short - and ultimately meaningless, for many of you - post, but I just wanted to put this out there...

Was reading an article today where the writer actually typed the phrase "for all intensive purposes". Do people bother to stop and think about the things they're concocting for others to read? Hey, look...there have been several instances where I've had to stop myself after writing, for the first time, something I've been saying for years. I've always realized that I've never written it before...and then I check it out. Because it could be wrong. I could be misusing the language. It can happen. It might be important to no one else in the world to verify its accuracy (and, judging by the following, it isn't), but to me it's paramount.

What the f*ck is an "intensive purpose"? The phrase, dear people, is "for all inTENTs and purposes" - signifying desire and direction, not the amplitude of the direction's fervency.

Am I being a d*ck for calling this out? Am I a bitter, jackassed grammar nerd? Perhaps the answer to both of those questions is "yes", but I like to hold my fellow English-speaking peoples to a higher academic standard than most. Especially because there are worse crimes than this.

I've actually seen this typed before:

"I druther go to a movie."

Holy Flipping Christ. Want to know what's really sad about this assault on language? People are such mush-mouthed idiots that this butchering of preference is so common that it's derivative has actually BEEN MADE INTO A WORD THAT YOU CAN FIND IN THE DICTIONARY: "druther". Jesus sh*t, people. It's not "I druther", it's "I'D RATHER", as in "I would rather go to a movie". But so many people are too stupid and lazy to figure this out that Webster just plumb gave up on the notion of proper speech and said, "F*ck, you're all too stupid for me to fight. Here, have your word, you ebonic redneck motherf*ckers." Next up for admission into the lexicon is "usetacould", "mightcould" and a few other choice babblings that South Alabamans/North Floridians aren't simply satisfied with just speaking poorly. Well, Webster may give you c*nts a pass, but I'm not about to. The South has destroyed most good Northern Values; I'll not let it take the rest of the English language with it.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: The last two sentences were included purely for incendiary value. It worked well, yes? I feel positively jolly. Let's press on.)

Oh, but there's a worse one.

In the past few days, I've seen various textual versions of this verbal mishap. A few of my good friends have used it. I almost feel bad about calling it out. But then again...not really. At all.

"I'm kind've mad about it."

Sweet salavating succotash, are you f*cking with me? "Kind've"? You've contracted "kind of" and made it "kind have"? Really? Really? Somewhere Shakespeare, the Bard himself, is tossing and turning in his grave, feeling no more than an A-1 d*ckface. Oscar Wilde would be so upset that he might f*ck a woman. Cats and dogs...living together!

This has gone on long enough and I'm more worked up than a person should be over something like this. But please, people, think about the sh*t you write before you write it. As a person who uses words for a living...you're all f*cking killing me. Do it for Jesus or Buddha or Jewish God or Tom Cruise's aliens or whatthef*ckever, but just do it.

Discretion. Deference. Dilligence. It's like fending off a symantic STD. Let's all do our part.

You know what? Having typed all of that, I'm now worried that most of you are too stupid to be helped. Really. I thought about doing a short symposium on the differences between "Their", "They're" and "There" while throwing in "You're" and "Your" for free...and then I realized that 16 year-old girls all over the world already have a very well-planted and very stupid leg up on me. It's just not worth it. The global audience has moved on.

So type whatever you want. Just know that I weep for you.