TWO THINGS YOU FEMALES NEED TO STOP DOING - NOW

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Yesterday was a bad day on several levels - the least of which was football, which just dug a spear in my side and continued to twist all day - and even though today is much better, there's some ancillary anger and frustration brewing.

What better reason, then, to write a short, boiling blog about two monumentally annoying behaviors that have spiked in popularity lately?

I'm pointing the finger at you, ladies, because you're almost always - at a rate of about 96% - the purveyors of these two acts. And don't look at this as me coming down on you; look at this as me trying to help. Because every time you do either of these two things, you look stupid. To me. To your friends. And to everyone that's within earshot. There's eye-rolling and mocking that you can't see or hear, but trust me...it's there. Half the time it's coming from females that do they exact same two things, but they're either too stupid or too self-deluded to realize the fact.

With that in mind, please do the following:

1) Stop Talking to Guys About GREY'S ANATOMY

None of us care. Not one of us. If a dude is actually listening to your bullsh*t story about "McDreamy" (seriously...that nickname should have been a red flag for you from the jump) and how the show "really speaks to you", he's doing so out of pity and/or trying to get laid. That's it. For Christ's sake, I have a guy friend who WORKS on the show and I don't think he even likes it. And he HAS to.

Let me go ahead and say something that should be pretty obvious to everyone now: chicks will watch any piece of crap put out there that's about relationships. Anything, no matter how bad it is. I've watched GREY'S ANATOMY. It's bad. It sucks quite a bit. But it follows an Obvious Female Maxim (TM): take a cliched, cookie-cutter female character (just to make every female viewer think her life applies in some way to that of the actor onscreen), put her in a love quandary (something that never REALLY happens to anyone - even though they believe it does) and set the story in a place where there's a high degree of sadness (Oh my Gosh! Like a hospital emergency room!).

Hook, line and sinker; somehow you fall for it every time.

I don't care if the show makes you cry every week. I don't want to hear the details. It's not bad to cry at shows; I myself cried at the last episode of SIX FEET UNDER. Even TV can get emotional. That's fine. But if you're calling your friends and crying three hours later, that's not good writing - you have a problem. And if this show is any indication...lots of you have problems. My suggestion? Go out and get some real, visceral life experience...because obviously something is lacking in that department for you.

Don't misunderstand me - there's good entertainment out there for women. SEX AND THE CITY was extremely well-written, if just too narrowly focused for most guys to enjoy. But even that show had a ceiling, and I hate it so for (one of the) exact same reason(s) I hate GA - women think that story somehow applies to their life.

Guess what? It doesn't. You're not a doctor. You don't have martinis every afternoon at 3PM with your three best girlfriends. And I know this hurts, but here's the truth: though some similar things may have happened to you in your life...this is make-believe. It's not great writing - you're just easily manipulated.

Some of you think that, because I'm a writer, I want to hear about the show. I don't. Not even a little bit. Not any more than I want to hear you quote the latest Tori Amos song (don't get me started on that) or gush about how much you love cheesecake. I don't bother you with Penn State and poker. So please seek to return the favor, if you could.

Luckily, I haven't heard anything about GA in the last few weeks. There hasn't been a single promo on TV. Really. I have no idea when the season premiere is. It could be Thursday, September 21st at 8/7 Central for all I know, but I can't verify that. Sandra Oh could be wearing red lingerie. I have no idea. And I don't, as a byproduct of all this, deeply loathe HOW TO SAVE A LIFE by The Fray. That song certainly doesn't make me want to shove knives into my ears!

2) Stop Using the Phrase "Bringing Sexy Back"

Stop it. Stop it now.

The first time someone used this phrase, apparently culled from a Justin Timberlake song that I've not yet heard, it might have been clever. It might have been relevant.

Whatever the case, the novelty was short-lived.

If you're applying this to ANYTHING right now - events, pictures, situations, people, etc. - you're a d*uche. It's not witty. It's not cute. It's just a vehicle used to showcase your lack of creativity and blindness to overconsumption. And most of you aren't sexy.

Hey, I like Justin Timberlake. I think most people, gun to their head, probably do. That's great. Why ruin what he's trying to put out there by being you? Maybe that's what I'm getting at - if you're so unoriginal as to use this phrase in any context, try not to be you. For the sake of the rest of us.

Wait, I know what you're going to say next:

"Well Geoff, I have to tell you that I DO know that the term has been overused as of late, and me using it is my reflexive way of being ironical. By saying it over and over I therefore recognize that its use has worn out and I am, in fact, being humorous."

The three things I would say to that are A) you're probably lying because I called you out and B) you have no idea how to be funny and C) I hate you to my very core.

Make it go away.

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I didn't write this rant for myself, people. Actually, that's a lie - I did You're all annoying me deeply. But in doing so I also speak for the male masses who would otherwise have no voice. Or would fail to use theirs. Because they're trying to get laid. Oh sure, they'll tell you I'm a sexist, I'm a misogynist, a bearer of untruths. But in their small, feeble hearts they'll be raising a fist to my words in admiration and shared pride.

All I do is tell you what's what - the reality of a world you don't want to believe exists outside of doctorly romances and neurosis. Consequences be damned. You know the timeless quote "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? Psssssh. Put a Scorned Woman up in a cage match against a Man Who Realizes He'll Likely Never Have Sex Again and see who has less to lose. Just in case you missed my metaphor...it would be the guy. And when you have nothing left to lose you have only what is and what isn't to express.

I am The Truth. I am The Light.

It's good to be back on top.