21 May 2004

Come On, People


Alright, this is not something I usually care about, and Christ knows one of my least favorite things on the planet is Soulless Celebrity Gossip (TM). But this isn't really gossip, it's just a statement of fact, and frankly, I think somebody needs to f*cking say something.

In the last few weeks, two of the bigger stars in Hollywood have had babies. Helen Hunt had hers today, a girl, and named her Makena'lei Gordon. Makena'lei. Gordon. The first name is that of a town in Maui. The middle is that of her father. All of this is bad. But not near as bad as...

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin (who, in case you've been living under a rock for the last five years, is the lead singer of Coldplay) had a baby girl. Apparently, both in a fit of Post-Natal Depression or suffering from severe PTSD, they named her Apple*. Apple*. That's not a typo. Apple*.

Can we make this stop? Someone should start a service for wayward artists and other lightheaded peoples of the world to counsel and, if necessary, shoot them when they fabricate and/or allow ridiculous names for their children. I mean, don't you hate it when people name their kids after fruit? Hey, I'm the last person in the world to stifle creativity, but come the f*ck on; if we're talking about your kids, who clearly have no say in the matter, how about you make a decision based on their best interests rather than your drug-induced impulses?

F*ck it, I'll start the service myself, set up right here in Hollywood, and make millions. I'll call it Disassociative Nomenclature Services (TM). If you know someone who's thinking about laying a f*cked-up name on their unborn child, let us know. If you know someone who says, "Oh, we're going to wait until the baby is born and decide in the birthing room," call us f*cking immediately. These people are prone to wild fits of pseudo-euphoria and end up naming their kids Ja'QuanDanian, La'Erique, Rumer, Scout, and Bjardkir. Case in point, File # A.1: there was a guy who (at least in recent years) played basketball for Pitt and then for the Golden State Warriors. His name? Vonteego Cummings. Von. Tee. Go. His mother told ESPN on a nationally televised broadcast how she came up with the name. Vonteego was born at home, and his aunt (the midwife), looked out his front window immediately following the labor. In the neighbors driveway sat two cars: a Volkswagon and a Monteego. Vonteego. SHE ACTUALLY ADMITTED THIS ON ESPN! I mean...are you serious?

Case File # A.2: In second grade there was a kid in my class named Geoff Letcher (good name). His older brother? Fletcher. Fletcher f*cking Letcher. Swear to God.

I could help these people. We could help these people. It's so simple. A concerned friend brings the person to our offices. A conversation as such follows:

DNS: What can we do for you?
CRAZY: Well, my friend brought me here.
DNS: Yes. Tell me, are you about to have a child?
CRAZY: As a matter of fact, yes.
DNS: And what are you planning to name this child?
CRAZY: Dweezil.
DNS: No. You are naming this child Thomas and you will report to thrice-weekly counseling for a period of one year.

We will then execute a contract wherein the friend to the party (heretoafter referred to as "The Client") in question will sign a waiver allowing Disassociative Nomenclature Services (TM) to murder the client(s) if he/she/they proceed in naming said child something out of reasonable human context or fail to complete their requisite counseling sessions.

This can work, I'm telling you. Possible exception: you can prove your last name is Costanza and you want to name your first born son "Seven".

* - Denotes the fact that, in case you were wondering, this is not a typo.