RACIST SURVIVOR, EPISODE III: WHY YOU F*CK ME LIKE THAT?

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(EDITOR'S NOTE: Hi, friend. If this is your first time to GooseTown and you haven't read any of the other Racist SURVIVOR entries...go back and read them. Specifically the first one. I'm all for hate mail - seriously, if you have a desire to send hate mail PLEASE follow through on it - but I'd prefer that it's in context and you have the first clue what you're talking about. It's all I ask. It's not much, really. Can we agree on that? Super. Enjoy yourself. Thanks.)

Well...g*ddamn you, CBS and Mark Burnett Productions. G*ddamn you straight to Hell.

All the hype. All the fabricated angst. All the bellyaching by whiney minority groups. Racist SURVIVOR could have been the best reality show ever. F*ck me running - it could have been the greatest TV show ever. Racial dysfunction. Societal chaos. And you had to go and tinker with it, you frightened little b*stards.

I AM ANGRY.

For those of you that didn't watch the show last night, here's the gist: the SURVIVOR Producers (hereafter to be known as the C*ckless Pack of Sonsab*tches), not satisfied with the most fantasticest setup ever for reality television and dead-set on ruining everything that was wonderful with the current incantation, decided to break the teams down. Instead of Whites, Blacks, Asians and Hispanics, there would now just be two tribes.

I'll let you guess how they split them up.

Did they have to split them up? NO! F*CK NO! G*DDAMNED YOU INBRED F*CKS!!!!!!! Jesus, if you're going to take away the very heart and soul of this section of my current masterpiece, at least do something intelligent like pair up the Asians and Blacks (the best and worst teams, respectively) and the Whites and Hispanics (the middlers). Then there could still be discord! There could still be strife! There could be the blatant opportunity for a contagious bout of ethnocentric squabbling! And I could reap the rewards! ALL OF THEM!!!!!!

Instead, the overly-delicate CPSs pandered to the very whims of the mouth-breathing d*uches who called for racial "justice" and had the teams divided into two astoundingly PC megatribes, Raro [Adam (W), Brad (A), Cristina (L), Jenny (A), JP (L), Nathan (B), Parvati (W), Rebecca (B) and Stephanie (B)] and Aitu [Becky (A), Candice (W), Cao Boi (A), Cecilia (L), Jessica (W), Jonathan (W), Ozzy (L), Sundra (B) and Yul (A)]. Aw, how f*cking cute - it's like that multi-ethnic high school that we're always supposed to believe existed because that's how they cast it on 7th HEAVEN!

Blow me, you spineless motherf*ckers. NOW YOU JUST HAVE REGULAR SURVIVOR, YOU WHORE HALFWITS!

What am I supposed to do now? Judge these people on the content of their character rather than the color of their skin? What f*cking fun is that? Now I'm actually going to have to WORK to push racial stereotypes down your throats. I can't pander to these d*ckfaced, hobo getups like the NAACP and...you know, whatever alliance the Mexicans have. It probably involves about 50 of them and a '72 Chevy Nova, but that's not the point!

At first I considered disbanding this entire subsection of my Blog, but then I steeled my resolve. These jerks can't break me down! They can't silence me by simply shifting positions! I am a man with fake-racist opinions and insights! My pretend-hate speech needs to be absorbed by the masses!

So I shall not give up on this show and I shall not give up on you, Dear Reader. I shall not give up on all Seven of you (up from my previous Three, proving that this Blog was making rather popular with the masses). Give me a week to collect my thoughts, regroup, stop crying, masturbate 214 times...and I'll be back with a vengeance.

Some notes on this week's "Episode":

--After being broken down into the two Tribes mentioned above, there was a very stupid Immunity Challenge easily won by Raro. It sucked, but on the upswing, it proved that the Women can't hang even close physically with the Men. Hopefully, this will become a running theme. Listen, chicks: until you can carry a measly fifteen pounds of sand without collapsing like a tent in a hurricane, best to avoid all of this bullsh*t "equality" talk, eh? We already made the mistake of letting you drive - how about you don't push your luck?

--If this season's goal is to provide us with some of the worst editing in TV history, Racist SURVIVOR is well on its way to a winner. Yes, I understand that we needed to know that Becky and Yul were going to try to work with Jonathan and Candice and Jessica/Flicka, but do we need to see them talk about it for five minutes? These are easily the two most boring people on the entire planet. Corpses have had more lively debate. The epitome of this comes when Yul tells Becky he has the Immunity Idol - the biggest Ace Up the Sleeve (TM) in all of SURVIVOR - and she barely cracks a smile.

This goes a long way towards proving my theory that the smaller your eyes get, the less interesting you are. Of course on the other end of the spectrum we've got Cao Boi and anyone involved in Korean Cinema, so this might take a little more research. Give me time.

--Jonathan is a penis. God, I hate this guy. He's proving a maxim that Colored People (TM) (and I'm not just going after the Blacks here, but anyone who's not perf...er, I mean...White) have known for ages: anyone that looks like Jean Reno and sounds like Alan Alda CANNOT be trusted under any circumstances. What a horribly unlikable human being. I just want everyone to know that not all writers suck on the level he does.

--Parvati is an enigma. Actually that's not true - she's pretty easy to figure out. When she's not smiling she's crazy hot, and when she is smiling she looks like she's yelling into a wind tunnel. You know what I mean? Like if you put a vacuum cleaner up to your face and the blast of air spreads your mouth out so you look all gums? Parvati is all gums, and MAN, is that a disturbing sight. Check out her bio on cbs.com - yikes! And that's only about half-power! You know the photographer was like, "Um, you know what? How about you don't look too happy, OK? I don't want to throw up in the middle of a shoot. Seriously. Dial it back a bit."

You sense it's bad when Nathan is constantly drawn towards her...right up until she smiles, and then he sails off in the other direction. And this is a guy that you just know has a least a Master's in Banging White Chicks.

--Oh, yeah...Candice was sent to Exile Island and Cecilia was hamstrung at Tribal Council and sent packing. Yay. Rah.

OK, so look...this was a down week for all of us. Let's regroup and meet back here late next Thursday night. This week I'm going to think up some new epithets, channel some good bigot energy, maybe have a double-feature Wednesday that includes TRIUMPH OF THE WILL and MALCOLM X.

I'll back stronger than ever, even if Racist SURVIVOR goes the way of the Dodo. And slavery.

Why must everything good die?