I REALLY LIKE 8TH GRADISH SURVEYS

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I guess I really felt like writing today. This comes from one T. Richardson Brown, Banker, stuck at work this Saturday well past 8:30PM ("real" jobs are gay). Feel free to answer the survey yourself and then print it up, fold it into a tightly wound package about the size of a stick of gum, wrap it in tape, deposit it snugly in your rectum, and light on fire. Or, if you prefer, copy and paste your answer and email them to me. Here we go:

1. What is your occupation? Prostitute. No no no, just kidding. Actually I f*ck people for money.

2. What color is your underwear? Right now? Blue. Last night? Blue also...but with an odd stain the color of a yellow copper. Don't ask.

3. What are you listening to right now? GUNS "N ROSES GREATEST HITS

4. What was the last thing you ate? A Bare Burrito from Baja Fresh, which I'm convinced is the greatest meal on the planet (and no, that's not some bullsh*t trnedy New Age veggie wrap or some sh*t, it's just all the stuff that comes in a burrito, like steak and beans, in a bowl instead of a torilla...because we all know that the tortilla is a f*cking evil creature).

5. Do you wish on stars? I haven't seen a star since I moved to LA - have we talked about the smog yet?

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Aryan Cracker White.

7. How is the weather right now? We got a pretty nice little system going on here. It's called "75 and sunny every day". You should all look into it.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Ryan Gray.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? TRB, Banker once smoked a cigar and his car. The car was a 1986 Dodge Aries. TRB, Banker accidentally dropped some flaming ash on the car seat - on the driver's side, mind you - causing a nearly non-existent, barely visible burn hole about the size of the tip of a pencil to form. The burn hole could not been seen with the naked eye unless you were informed it was there. TRB, Banker's mother had no reason to look in his car. She did not drive it. She didn't really often go near it. But TRB, Banker once took the time not only to show his mother the burn mark that you couldn't see and that was entirely inconsequential - likely because of severe, pathetic pansy guilt - but toldl her that I caused the "damage" (not true) and that I did so while smoking marijuana (double and triple not true). This caused your humble narrator to receive sidways looks from said mother, who is a wonderful and caring person, for several months with no real explanation. So do I "like" TRB, Banker?

Yeah, he's alright. But I will kill him one day.

10. How old are you today? Today? Twenty-five. But yesterday? Twenty-five.
11. Favorite drink? Coca-Cola - but let's refer to it more as "Beverage you are hopelessly and without fault addicted to".

12. Favorite sport to watch? NFL football, with College Football coming in a close second only because there's no Fantasy Football involved.

13. Have you ever dyed your hair? No. But I have had someone dye it for me. And TRB, just so we're clear...you are the most closeted yet still straight man I know. Mull over that one for a while and get back to me.
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Both, but never at the same time.
15. Pets? Can we not talk abut this? My dog lives with a demon and I'll ask that we never bring it up again.

16. Favorite month? I'm gonna have to go with September here, though that's an East Caost favorite. If you've paid any attention then you know there are no season in California.

17. Favorite food? Ooh, Sour Patch Kids is a good call, and we've already discussed the Bare Burrito, but I also like milk a great deal and am a fan of chicken in most forms. Broccoli is also nice. I love asparagus but it makes my pee smell like a mixture of old socks and water buffalo.

18. What was the last movie you watched? The same, WEDDING CRASHERS. Tonight I watch ODISHON, a Japnese import, and I've been told I will not be the same afterwards.

19. Favorite day of the year? Whatever day it is that I get laid (note: I have not had a favorite day since someone made a mistake in December '01).

20. What do you do to vent anger? Write stuff on this blog. And taunt the Amish.

21 What was your favorite toy as a child? A wiffle bat and ball set, which, incidentally, is still my favorite toy.

22. Fall or Spring? If you f*ckers would pay attention I wouldn't have to repeat myself.
23. Hugs or kisses? Blowjobs.
24. Cherry or Blueberry? Blowjobs.
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? It's a free damn country. Yes. No. I don't know. Where are my pants?

26. Who is most likely to respond? Your mom.

27. Who is least likely to respond? Blowjobs.
28. Living arrangements? Situated in a mostly Hassidic neighborhood in Beverly Hills in an apartment with Nathan (the second gayest striaght man I know, behind TRB, Banker) and the lovely Stephanie (sadly not gay or, even more sadly, bisexual and willing to let me watch).

29. When was the last time you cried? Anytime that g*ddamn manipulative Disney-magic-coated EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION is on.

30. What is on the floor of your closet? Too numerous to list - whatever was on the floor last week and whatever will be back on the floor next week.

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? My left hand.

32. What did you do last night? My left hand.

33. Favorite smell? My left hand (this thing actually gets easier as we go along).
34. What inspires you? My lef...wait, no...um...Chim Richels, he's a professional doctor.
35. What are you afraid of? My right hand.

36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? What the f*ck is a spicy hamburger? You know someone hamburger-style-challenged wrote this one. Plain, cheese or SPICY? How about you don't ask me about hamburgers if you only know two kinds of hamburgers and have to make up a third? How about that?
37. Favorite car: Let's not go there.
38. Favorite dog breed? The French Bulldog.
39. Number of keys on your key ring? Nine, and I've used exactly two of them in the last nine months, and all but one are the exact same g*ddamned boring silver thing with three holes in the top that look like a fancy window of some sort.

40. How many years at your current job? 1.333333333333333333333333333333

41. Favorite day of the week? Friday
42. How many states have you lived in? e=mc(2)

43. How many cities have you lived in? e=mc(2) times infinity.

Have a swell Monday.