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--Picked up Chinese food tonight. Now I want to preface my comments with the disclaimer that I understand it must be very hard for someone to come into this country straight off the boat, open up a business with little or no semblance of skill in English and not only strive, but survive at all. I have the every respect for these foreign friends. I am not making fun of these people, merely pointing out something. If I move to China to open a business, I'm going to be cognizant enough to grab a local to help me with the language.

The local Chinese eatery has a few signs hanging up. Only one really bothers me. It's on the front door, and it's a series of eight Asian characters. It might say, "Place your order and Cantonese and receive 15% off your purchase!" It might just as well say, "We come in the food of these stupid Americans," as I can't read a f*cking bit of it. But doesn't that unnerve you? A sign in all Chinese characters outside a restaurant in Backwoods PA? I'm not going to lie. It frightens me and I want to know what the f*ck it says. There is no reason to hang a sign outside your store in a dialect you and only about six other people within a 50 mile radius could understand. Something is going on.

Then you go inside. There is a large dry-erase board behind the counter, exclaiming, "NO. 1 SZECHUAN MAKE GENERAL TSO CHICKEN BEST TASTY CRISPY CAN'T BEAT AROUND HERE." Of course, you get the general sentiment, but doesn't it just send the message, "Hey, we only care enough to get it half right. We assume you'll understand." If I open my own business in Outer Mongolia and I only know bits and pieces of the language, I'm for damn sure going to get someone who knows what the hell they're doing to proofread, lest I put out a sign that reads "ME NO HAS TO PUT FEET FOR YOU IN SWEATY SOUP" in the native tongue.

The best is as you're walking out; there's one half of a plastic Yellow "Wet Floor" tent leaning against a wall. Scrawled on it in Sharpie is the warning "HEY THIEF I KNOW YOU STEAL ONE I WATCHING YOU NOT STEAL MORE HALF, NO.1 SZECHUAN OWNER".

And yet, as the food swims pleasantly into my stomach, I have no gripe. Even if the sign on the door reads "WE TRICK UNLUCKY AMERICAN ASSH*LE WITH CAT!"

--Quick, someone think of more Wasted Potential Hotness (TM) than Mia Sara. For those of you living in a cave, she played Sloane in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Jesus H. Christ, look at the crap she worked on. Does her agent know you're allowed to turn down a script? There have got to be a million more like her and I can't think of any of them. Mia was headed for great things only to fall off the face of the earth and resurface in TimeCop. God I wish I were making that up. The only other one I can think of is Danica McKellar, who played Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years. I don't think we can count her, as she had such a great run and was one of my obsessions growing up (along with Tiffany-Amber Theissen, as pre-90210 Kelly Kapowski in Saved by the Bell...possibly the first, last, and only time a hot girl will retain a Polish last name in any kind of Hollywood production). But then, a few years later when Fred Savage was doing the sitcom Working, she showed up as a guest star in one episode and had somehow eclipsed her previous childhood hotness. I mean blazing hot. And then she got down to her bra and I had to be rushed to the hospital to reverse the effects of the subdural hematoma that beset me. Look at her resume! Hip, Edgy, Sexy, Cool? Reality School? Black Hole? My poor Winnie, I don't even want to touch that last one. But God, I'd let her do me.

Please, mention more. After all, there have to be a few Natalia Cigliuti fans out there, right? And can I be the first to mention, though not likely, the possibility exists that Hilary Duff will end up looking lilke Flipper? Also, on a note of Quite Not Wasted Potential Hotness(TM), Leah Remini is just...whoo....gettin' warm in here...I feel a Saved By the Bell Post coming up real, real soon....