I Take on One Idiot After Another

Email: GooseTownMail@yahoo.com

--At a party I attended this weekend there was a girl who claimed to be from Greece. I engaged her in conversation. This is the dialogue which transpired. Mind you, I was drunk, she all too sober:

ME: "Are you really Grecian?"
GIRL: "What?"
M: "Are you really Grecian?"
G: "What's that?"

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This is where my initial confusion set in. Slight red flag goes up.)

M: "You're from Greece?"
G: "Oh, yeah, I was born there and lived there 'til I was 10."
M: "Oh, OK. I always wanted to go to Crete, did you ever get there?"
G: "Where's that?"

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Major red flag. Crete is an island thirteen and a half miles off the coast of Greece.)

M: "What?"
G: "I've never heard of it."
M: "Well what part of Greece did you live in?"
G: "I don't know. We were seven hours from Athens."

(EDITOR'S NOTE: What the f*ck?)

M: "Seven hours?"
G: "Yeah."
M: "Greece is basically the same size as Georgia. There isn't a point on the peninsula that's more than seven hours away from another unless you're traveling by donkey."
G: "That's all I know. We were seven hours from Athens."
M: "Did you perhaps live not in Greece but in Turkey?"
G: "Um, no."
M: "You're a liar."
G: "What?"
M: "You're from Jersey, aren't you?"

That was the last I got out, as my friends extricated me form the situation. Why do people like this exist? Either you are lying about your origins or you are the definition of stupid, and I struggle to decide which is more pathetic.

--Everyone once in a while, you get word from someone that, for you, transcends time and space. Their very being inspires creativity and a deep calm in your very soul. Hearing from them in even the most simple of ways can send your heart aflutter and bring tears to your eyes. Every once in a while, this person sends you an email.

But most of the time, you just end up getting email from Ben Foltz. Such is life.

Ben writes:

>>"after perusing through some of your thoughts i thought of something that id like to hear your opinion on: the tip jars at places like smoothie king and starbucks. i dont really like to tip these people, what exactly are we tipping them for? should we taste our drink first, and if its extra good, then give them a tip? just doesnt make sense."<<

Good question. Hell no, you don't have to tip these grubbing b*stards. Now I have not frequented the establishments you mentioned, but I ran into a similar annoyance at my local Chinese restaurant. I ordered my food, came back five minutes later, paid by check card, and handed the recipt back to the woman behind the counter. She nearly took my head off.

LADY BEHIND COUNTER: "Hey, you forget tip."
ME: "What?"
LBC: "You forget tip."
M: "I didn't forget...you're not getting one."
LBC: "We work off tip."
M: "You tip your cooks?"
LBC: "No."
M: "Then who works off of tips?"
LBC: "Ownah get tip."
M: "I'm not giving you money for putting my food in a paper bag and bending over to get chopsticks."
LBC: "You leave tip."
M: "I leave store."

The nice thing was I already had my food so they couldn't slip anything toxic into it. F*ck these people. You know who else has the wrong idea? This 80 year old woman who I saw sitting outside Grand Central Station in NYC last summer. She was holding a sign reading "Vietnam Vet, Homeless, HIV positive" above a coffee can. Now let's ignore the fact that there are few, if any, 80 year old female Vietnam vets. If you want to promote yourself, do you mention that you're HIV positive? I realize you can't contract the disease from local airspace, but it doesn't make me want to come near you. How about "Twenty Year-Old f*ckbunny wearing old woman costume, horny, will blow you for $7 and McGriddle"? At least then we know you're trying.

--You might know I'd make a definitive post about my Fantasy Football domination and now I'm likely going to lose to Keith Miller, Sigma Pi Pledge Herald, UVa Chapter for the second time this season. Brett Favre better thave the g*ddamn game of his life tonight.