19 November 2003

Sure, But What Could Be the Worst That Would Happen, Molestation?


--As many of you know, I am a firm believer in Innocent Until Proven Guilty. I think it's one of the best ideals of our legal system, and because of that I don't want anyone to think I'm jumping to conclusions. But let's all agree on the fact that one of two things are happening with Michael Jackson:

1. He is molesting kids.
2. People are falsely accusing him of molesting kids.

Either way, why would anyone involved WANT THEIR KIDS IN MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE? If these people are not making up the stories, he is a pervert and needs help plus incarceration. Even if you're a big fan of his music and you talk to him and you think he's harmless, if there's a chance the guy is a child-groping felon, WHY WOULD YOU LET YOUR KIDS ANYWHERE NEAR HIM WITHOUT A CHAPERONE? Did you not see him HANGING HIS OWN KID OVER A HOTEL BALCONY TO TAUNT REPORTERS?

If you're Michael Jackson, and people are falsely accusing you of molesting their children, and it's happened a few times, FOR WHAT F*CKING REASON WOULD YOU EVER LET KIDS IN YOUR HOUSE UNSUPERVISED AGAIN? Am I the only one with these questions? Does this make sense to anyone else? I feel like I'm Steve McQueen, and I've stumbled onto a leper island, and I realize I'm the only one with good limbs, as Dustin Hoffman has a f*cked up leg. As many as two people just got that analogy.

--I'm sorry, I know, I know, but...The O.C. is the best show on television. There, I said it, and Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care.

--I will devote an entire rambling thought to Saved By the Bell at a later date, but I did want to mention my All Time Favorite Exchange (TM) on the show:

SLATER: "You made me look like a jerk at the Maxx last night."
ZACK: "Well that's what you are."

(ZACK and SLATER begin to fight, knocking off MR. BELDING'S toupee in the process. It falls into the punch. ZACK and SLATER laugh hysterically at the inexplicable turn of events and instantly renew their friendship, forgetting that mere moments ago such angry words were spoken in a fight over the lusty JOANNA from South Dakota.)

--Amazon.com (I refuse to link those b*stards because of this) carries the following DVD's in its Corey Haim Classics Collection (TM): Lucas, The Lost Boys, Blown Away, Fever Lake, Dream a Little Dream, and Snowboard Academy. What have they mindbendingly omitted? None other than License to Drive, a movie which features not only harrowing car chases, the father from Mr. Boogedy, and the best onscreen performance by the Coreys (Haim and Feldman) ever, but a very, very young and supple Heather Graham, before she was corrupted by Marky Mark's gigantic prosthetic genetalia.

Well, this just proves there is no God.

--Has there ever, anywhere been a more annoying Ad Campaign than the current sh*t pumped out by Chili's? I swear, based on their awful commercials alone I will never eat there again. You know the ones I'm talking about, where they have some fat nobody singing about Chili's food on the street somewhere. My "favorite" is the one with the three assh*le teachers, one with a Caribbean-themed shirt that's seven sizes too big for him, singing, "All that flavor, gonna make it mine." F*ck. You. Or how about the chick trying to Skee-Bop? "Oooh woo, Chili's, dig that spice, ooooh woo woo..." If I ever see you, I will punch you.

Do these commercials absolutely infuriate anyone else besides me? I have boycottedededed Chili's for life. I simply cannot fathom that I'm sitting here writing for free, and some d*ck with a pen somewhere came up with this idea and some bigger d*ck with a more expensive pen greenlit the whole campaign. What the f*ck?

Which reminds me of another thing I hate about restaurants...the g*ddamn cutesy bullcrap they make up for the menus. There is an Italian restaurant in this area, not unlike the Olive Garden, called The Italian Oven. What's the section of the menu that houses their pasta dishes called? None other than "Pastabilities". "Pastabilities"? "Pastabilities"? F***********************************ck you, pal.

These people that do these things, they're from f*cking Pie Country, I swear.

--I have a whole thought on Ferris Bueller that I want to get out to you, but not tonight. It's actually a serious, thought-provoking entry that I'll save to juxtapose against my Saved By the Bell meanderings. Just think about the first time you saw it, and then the last time you watched it again. That'll prepare you. Fun Trivia Fact, though: the two actors who played Ferris's parents in the movie met on set, and then got married in real life after the film wrapped. They're still together. Their son's name?

F*ck, I don't know. Anthony? How the hell would I know something like that? What do I do, follow these people around? Jesus, what do you want from me? Where are my pants?