18 December 2003

I Had No Title for This Post for a Week and No One Noticed


Sorry, I have been away for a bit. I can't post as much during Xmas season, as I work 8-Midnight five days a week. I do have some random thoughts, however.

--Watched a thing on MTV the other day about Hilary Duff, who will be quite hot once she reaches the age of 18. She is currently promoting her new album by touring with "her" band. They kept showing clips of her onstage with her posse, and "her" lead guitarist seemed really, really into the proceedings. This begs a question that is tailor made for comment by one Mr. Craig Metz...

If you are the lead guitarist touring with Hilary Duff...have you "made" it? Does that even really count? Can you tell chicks?

"Yeah, I'm on tour with my band right now."
"Whoa, no way! Who?!?!?"
"Well, er...Hilary Duff and the Pretty Butterflys." (EDITOR'S NOTE: OK, I made up the band name, but it's probably close to something like that.)

Yeah....good for you man. I would like everyone to note that Hilary Duff's guitarist is making more money and getting laid more than myself. And he's Hilary Duff's guitarist. Did I mention that? No matter how much you say he's Hilary Duff's guitarist, it doesn't sound any less absurd.

Similar industry jobs: J-Lo's Ass Buffer; Ben Affleck's Sanity Technician; Mark Hamill's Career Guidance Counselor; Heidi Klum's Beauty Double.

--Speaking of Hilary Duff, she is rumored to be in a feud with fellow Jailbait-In-Waiting Lindsay Lohan. If you don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, do an internet search (I don't have the energy to link tonight) and find out. Again, you'll notice that she will likely be quite attractive once she attains the age of 18. If you are attracted to the aesthetically/emotionally ghastly Paris Hilton, Ms. Lohan probably won't do much for you. Then again, if Paris Hilton does it for you, you're already an idiot and well beyond saving.

--Every time I type anything remotely like the two entries above, there's always a little statistician somewhere in the back of my mind reminding me, "The authorities are coming, and if they happen to pound on the door while you're typing this, you're going to sh*t your pants and have a coronary."

--Yahoo! continues its exclusive run on the Most Important Stories of the Day:

December 15, 2003: A student at some college somewhere in America, running a program on his computer 24 hours a day for seventeen days, found the Largest Known Prime Number in the History of the World (TM). The number, previously uncalculated, is divisible by only itself and 1 and is over 6,000,000 numbers long.

When asked what he wanted to do for an encore, the student, an obvious new sex symbol, replied that he wanted to go on tour as Hilary Duff's accountant, noting that the lead guitarist gig was taken.

December 16, 2003: Clay Aiken was named 2003's Most Well Mannered Person by the world-class, Household Name, Honorable Society of...The National League of Junior Cotillions. Weeping Jesus on the Cross I swear this is a real organization. The League's Vice President made the announcement, noting the League's President and CEO wanted to make the presentation but was unavailable as he is on tour as the lead guitarist for Hilary Duff.

--Speaking with James of CannedJam as I write this entry, a question must be asked: does anyone remember Jello 1-2-3? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I think James and I spent a good half hour of a drunken Homecoming morning discussing the relative peculiarities of the multidimensional dessert option that has since our childhood gone the way of the DoDo and MC Hammer. Can anyone with any sense of physics, chaos theory, or linear calculus please explain to me how the f*ck they got the layers to form? Is this a miracle of modern science? Has anything like it since been replicated? I think it may have been invented by NASA.

For those of you not enlightened, Jello 1-2-3 was a derivative of the popular Jello line that made it's heyday in the mid - late 1980's. It was a thing of brilliance, of near science-fictional proportions. The powder was all mixed in the same bowl, like regular Jello, but after it was inserted into the refrigerator, it morphed into a seemingly insane creation: the bottom layer was a more dense, fruitier form of regular Jello; the middle layer was just slightly lighter than regular Jello, and the top (oh Christ, the top) layer was a fluffy (oh Jesus, so fluffy), spongy creation that could have only come from Heaven. If you missed out on this Wonder of Life...well, you can never understand true happiness.

Please feel free to share your Jello 1-2-3 experiences. If anyone out there in GooseTown...er...Land...Ville, knows where I can get my hands on some, please, for the love of all things Holy, let me know.