06 December 2003

Shoveling F*cking Blows, or Reason #2,783 I Can't Wait to Move to LA


--It's cold. F*cking cold. The wind is blowing fiercely and it's not warm. In fact, it's the polar opposite (major pun intended) of warm. I shoveled my long driveway for two shifts of two hours each today, and the motherf*cker still isn't done, plus there's the roof to do. In case you're not following along here, I was just laid up for a week with the flu. Shoveling in Arctic-level temps is not Chicken Soup for the Unvaccinated Soul. I just thought I'd point this out.

By the way, it's colder than a motherf*cker. Enjoy the copious amounts of swearing related to the temperatures in this, my latest Blog.

--Have you all heard about the threatening letters sent to black athletes in the last two years? To be accurate, they've been sent to all kinds of prominent black entertainers, but some letters have gone to black athletes. There is an article here on ESPN.com about them, and the article starts off with a befuddling quote:

"Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor and Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell received two of about 30 threatening letters sent to prominent, successful black people over the last two years."

Prominent, successful black people. Freddie Mitchell.

I don't see the connection.

For those of you not in "The Know", as it were, Freddie Mitchell is a second-string Wide Receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles, who possess one of the worst receiving corps in the NFL. He is not prominent, nor is he successful, other than the fact that he miraculously ended up on an NFL field in the first place. Jason Taylor is one of, if not the, best linemen in the NFL, so it would make logical sense that he would be targeted. But Freddie "Hands of a Clock" Mitchell?

I'm not trying to make too much light of the situation, but who the hell is this Terroristic Racist? Sitting around in a basement somewhere, plotting doom against all ethnic groups across America, trying to break apart the delicate racial bonds of the nation, and setting his sights on...Freddie, a perennial pine blanket who played second fiddle to "He Hate Me" a few seasons ago.

Good call, jackass. Thankfully for your cause, you managed to send a few letters to athletes who people give a damn about. All said and done, could you just really do something to help out society and shoot yourself? As a matter of fact, this should give police on the case a decent lead, as only a disgruntled Eagle's fan would have taken the time and initiative to bother poor Freddie with hate mail. Problem is that ignorant, boorish, maniacal, and socially juvenile describes...pretty much every Eagle's fan. So nevermind.

--The time has come to give Tamala Jones her due. Damn the genius that is DanWho for beating me to mentioning her. The other night I tuned into The Tracey Morgan Show to find that she plays his wife. She looks better than ever. Most of you will recall Tamala from her role as Nikki in Booty Call with Jamie Fox. She is absolutely breathtaking, and unfortunately in our culture Halle Barry, who I am not a fan of, rose to dominance as the public's favorite as Most Attractive Black Actress. I disagree wholeheartedly, though Halle is quite attractive. I cannot fathom why Tamala has been ignored this long, but to help straighten out the matter, I shall now bump Kelly Preston from my Hump Island (TM) list in her favor. And no, this is not simply at attempt at Racial Validation (TM), because I don't care.

The New Hump Island Docket:

1. Catherine Zeta Jones
2. Tamala Jones
3. Diane Lane
4. Kristina Kreuk (bumped Erika Christensen because I haven't seen her lately)
5. Natalie Portman
WC. Rachel Bilson

--ABC hired Justin Timberlake to host "The Thrill of Victory 2003", a special about the greatest sports moment of the year.


Someone explain this to me. Apparently, some Exec got up in front of everyone at a recent ABC meeting and dropped his plan.

"Yeah, here's what we're going to do: create this huge year in review type show about the greatest sports moments of 2003, because those are always popular. The twist is that we're going to hire JT to host it! Why? Because it will bring in the vaunted twelve to eighteen year-old female demographic while we secretly alienate our most profitable demographic, the 18-35 males. Is this a good idea or what? Huh? Huh?"

BRILLIANT! Standing ovation even! Perhaps we can get David Duke to host this year's Soul Train Awards! Or Lawrence "Hit Me Again Ike, and This Time Put Some Stank on It" Phillips to host the Men of Domestic Restraint Awards! Or how about Rush Limbaugh to MC the DARE Program Awards! Or...

Ah, I've run out of steam. You get the point.

--Why is this particular Blog so racially motivated? I just noticed this. Something must be on my mind, and dammit, whenever I figure out what that is I'll let you know.

--Speaking of Awards Shows (and straying from racially-subversive commentary for a moment), has anyone seen commercials for the 2003 DVD Extras Awards? It's an Awards Show where they literally give trophies away for the best DVD Bonus Materials.

I want to tell you all something, and this comes from a man who currently owns 175+ DVDs and has a necessity for buying them that borders on acute addiction: This is the dumbest, scraping-for-an-idea Sh*tty Awards Show in the History of Sh*tty Awards Shows. This is worse than the ESPYs.

The one great thing about it, however, is the way it's being promoted in TV ads. "See the stars come out for this star-studded bash with all the stars you've expected to see when stars come out for a star-studded Awards Show Bash. Stars." Then they show some of the "stars", the most prominent of which were the Olson Twins, followed by that dude, the guy who is married to Kelly Ripa, some girl with brown hair, and yes, Lou Diamond Phillips.

What the hell happened to Lou after La Bamba? Did he fall down and get lost? Apparently, not, because in the last few years he's cranked out a few hits, such as Bats, Absolon, Malevolent, Knight's Club, and the ill-fated TV Series Wolf Lake. Oooooh, I forgot though, he did "star" in Supernova, a film so embarrassing that it's director, Francis Ford Coppola, refused to have his name associated with it and had it literally stripped from the credits. By the way, in Supernova Lou played a character named Yerzy Penalosa.

Yerzy. Penalosa. True.

I think I had that name on a fake ID once. The state was New Dakota.

The good news for the 2003 DVD Extras Awards is that, with Lou Diamond Phillips in tow, they're only a Paris Hilton and a Richard Greco away from the Holy Trinity Talent Trifecta (TM).

Always be wary of an Awards Show that's taped in advance. "Taped in Advance" is producer speak for "We Don't Trust Putting So Many Stars in Such a Star-Studded Star Event Because Irreparable Harm Might Occur for the Network if We Don't Get the Chance to Edit Out All the Dead Air".